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Ef they aint settisfied with thet, an' kin' o' pry an'
doubt An' ax fer sutthin' deffynit, jest say ONE EYE PUT
OUT! Thet kin' o'talk I guess you 'll find 'll answer to a
charm, An' wen you 're druv tu nigh the wall, hol' up my
missin' arm; Ef they should nose round fer a pledge, put on a
vartoous look An' tell 'em thet 's percisely wut I never gin nor
- took !
Then you can call me “Timbertoes," — thet 's wut
the people likes; Sutthin' combinin' morril truth with phrases sech
ez strikes ; Some say the people's fond o' this, or thet, or wut
you please, I tell ye wut the people want is jest correct
idees; “Old Timbertoes," you see, 's a creed it's safe to
be quite bold on, There's nothin' in 't the other side can any ways
git hold on; It's a good tangible idee, a sutthin' to embody Thet valooable class o' men who look thru brandy
toddy; It gives a Party Platform, tu, jest level with the
mind Of all right-thinkin', honest folks thet mean to go
it blind ;
Then there air other good hooraws to dror on ez
you need 'em, Sech ez the ONE-EYED SLARTERER, the BLOODY
BIRDOFREDUM: Them's wut takes hold o' folks thet think, ez well
ez o' the masses, An' makes you sartin o' the aid o' good men of all
There's one thing I 'm in doubt about ; in order to
be Presidunt, It's absolutely ne’ssary to be a Southern resi
dunt; The Constitution settles thet, an' also thet a
feller Must own a nigger o' some sort, jet black, or
brown, or yeller. Now I haint no objections agin particklar climes, Nor agin ownin' anythin' (except the truth some
times), But, ez I haint no capital, up there among ye,
maybe, You might raise funds enough fer me to buy a low
priced baby, An' then to suit the No’thern folks, who feel
obleeged to say They hate an' cuss the very thing they vote fer
every day, Say you ’re assured I go full butt fer Libbaty's dif
fusion An' made the purchis on’y jest to spite the Insti
But, golly! there's the currier's hoss upon the
pavement pawin'! I'll be more 'xplicit in my next.
[We have now a tolerably fair chance of estimating how the balance-sheet stands between our returned volunteer and glory. Supposing the entries to be set down on both sides of the account in fractional parts of one hundred, we shall arrive at something like the following result :
B. SAWIN, Esq., in account with (BLANK) GLORY. Cr.
Dr. By loss of one leg
20 To one 675th three cheers in Fando one arm.
30 do four fingers .
do. do. on occasion of predo. one eye.
10 sentation of sword to Colthe breaking of six ribs 6 onel Wright ..
25 " having served under Colonel
one suit of gray clothes (inCushing one month
geniously unbecoming). 15
It should appear that Mr. Sawin found the actual feast curiously the reverse of the bill of fare advertised in Faneuil Hall and other places. His primary object seems to have been the making of his fortune. Quærenda pecunia primum, virtus post nummos. He hoisted sail for Eldorado, and shipwrecked on Point Tribulation. Quid non mortalia pectora cogis, auri sacra fames? The speculation has sometimes crossed my mind, in that dreary interval of drought which intervenes between quarterly stipendiary showers, that Providence, by the creation of a money-tree, might have simplified wonderfully the sometimes perplexing problem of
human life. We read of bread-trees, the butter for which lies ready-churned in Irish bogs. Milk-trees we are assured of in South America, and stout Sir John Hawkins testifies to water-trees in the Canaries. Boot-trees bear abundantly in Lynn and elsewhere ; and I have seen, in the entries of the wealthy, hat-trees with a fair show of fruit. A familytree I once cultivated myself, and found therefrom but a scanty yield, and that quite tasteless and innutritious. Of trees bearing men we are not without examples ; as those in the park of Louis the Eleventh of France. Who has forgotten, moreover, that olive-tree, growing in the Athenian's back-garden, with its strange uxorious crop, for the general propagation of which, as of a new and precious variety, the philosopher Diogenes, hitherto uninterested in arboriculture, was so zealous? In the sylva of our own Southern States, the females of my family have called my attention to the china-tree. Not to multiply examples, I will barely add to my list the birch-tree, in the smaller branches of which has been implanted so miraculous a virtue for communicating the Latin and Greek languages, and which may well, therefore, be classed among the trees producing necessaries of life, - venerabile donum fatalis virgæ. That money-trees existed in the golden age there want not prevalent reasons for our believing. For does not the old proverb, when it asserts that money does not grow on every bush, imply a fortiori that there were certain bushes which did produce it? Again, there is another ancient saw to the effect that money is the root of all evil. From which two adages it may be safe to infer that the aforesaid species of tree first degenerated into a shrub, then absconded underground, and finally, in our iron age, vanished altogether. In favorable exposures it may be conjectured that a specimen or two survived to a great age, as in the garden of the Hesperides ; and, indeed, what else could that tree in the Sixth Æneid have been, with a branch whereof the Trojan hero procured admission to a territory, for the entering of which money is a surer passport than to a certain other more profitable and too foreign kingdom? Whether these speculations of mine have any force in them, or whether they will not rather, by most readers, be deemed impertinent to the matter in hand, is a question which I leave to the determination of an indulgent posterity. That there were, in more primitive and bappier times, shops where money was sold, — and that, too, on credit and at a bargain, - I take to be matter of demonstration. For what but a dealer in this article was that Æolus who supplied Ulysses with motive-power for his fleet in bags? What that Ericus, King of Sweden, who is said to have kept the winds in his cap ? what, in more recent times, those Lapland Nornas who traded in favorable breezes ? All which will appear the more clearly when we consider, that, even to this day, raising the wind is proverbial for raising money, and that brokers and banks were invented by the Venetians at a later period.
And now for the improvement of this digression. I find a parallel to Mr. Sawin's fortune in an adventure of my own. For, shortly after I had first broached to myself the beforestated natural-historical and archeological theories, as I was passing, hæc negotia penitus mecum revolvens, through one of the obscure suburbs of our New England metropolis, my eye was attracted by these words upon a sign-board, — CHEAP CASH-STORE. Here was at once the confirmation of my speculations, and the substance of my hopes. Here lingered the fragment of a happier past, or stretched out the first tremulous organic filament of a more fortunate future. Thus glowed the distant Mexico to the eyes of Sawin, as he looked through the dirty pane of the recruiting-office window, or speculated from the summit of that mirage-Pisgah which the imps of the bottle are so cunning to raise up. Already had my Alnaschar-fancy (even during that first half-believing glance) expended in various useful directions the funds to be obtained by pledging the manuscript of a proposed volume of discourses. Already did a clock ornament the tower of the Jaalam meeting-house, a gift appropriately, but modestly, commemorated in the parish and town records, both, for now many years, kept by myself. Already had my son Seneca completed his course at the University. Whether,