"Pooh! pooh!" said I, "it can't be! You know that you are my production ;you cannot be serious in denying it."

"I am not often serious," said the Joke, putting on a look of comic gravity; "but, there is no reason for so much solemnity in telling an unimportant truth. However, we will not argue the point; I will proceed at once to tell you my history, to convince you how little claim you have to the honor of paternity in my case."

I shall be very happy," said I, with more reverence than I had yet assumed towards my mysterious visitor.

"For fear you should find me dry, "said the Joke," get a bottle of wine."

I did as I was desired, drew the cork, filled two glasses, one of which I handed to the Joke, who, nodding good-humouredly at me, commenced the following narrative:

THE JOKE'S STORY.

The

of those orbits which mirth permitted to re- | fountain, where the caravan had stopped main open; "really, my good friend, the to drink the refreshing waters. It has been honor to which you lay claim is nowise often said that grave people love a joke, yours. Lord bless your foolish vanity! I and it was a grave old trader who showed was a patriarch before the days of your me off on this occasion, to the infinite degreat-grandfather!" light of his companions, who laughed at my humor till the tears ran down their cheeks. In this manner I traversed the whole of civilized Asia, and visited at different periods the luxurious tables of Sardanapalus and Ahasuerus, and brought smiles into the faces of the queenly beauties of their courts. From Asia I passed into Greece, and I remember that I used often to sit with the soldiers round their watch fires at the siege of Troy. At a much later period I was introduced to Homer, and shall always remember with pleasure that I was the means of procuring him a supper, when, but for me, he would have gone without one. poor peasants to whom the still poorer bard applied for a supper and a lodging, had no relish for poetry, but they understood a joke, and the bard brought me forth for their entertainment; and while my self-love was flattered by their hearty laughter, his wants were supplied by their generous hospitality. But I was not only acquainted with Homer, for Aristophanes very happily introduced me into one of his lost comedies. Anacreon and I were boon companions; and, while upon this part of my career, you will permit me to give vent to a little honest pride, by informing you in few words that I once brought a smile into the grave face of the divine Plato; that I was introduced into an argument by no less an orator than Demosthenes; that I was familiarly known to Æsop; that I supped with Socrates; and was equally well received in the court of Philip of Macedon and the camp of his victorious son. Still a humble follower in the train of civilization, I passed over to Rome. I was not very well received by the stiff, stern men of the republic; but in the age of Augustus I was universally admired. The first time that I excited any attention was at the table of Mæcenas, when Horace was present. I may mention, by the way, that it was Horace himself who in a tête-à-tête, first made known my merits to his illustrious patron, and the latter took the first opportunity of showing me off. I was never in my life more flattered than at the enthusiastic reception I met from the men of genius there assembled, although I have thought that I was somewhat indebted for my success to the wealth and station of the

I have not the slightest recollection of my progenitors; like the great Pharaohs who built the pyramids, their names have sunk into oblivion in the lapse of ages. They must, however, have lived more than thirty centuries ago, as my reminiscences extend nearly as far back as that period. I could, if I would, draw many curious pictures of the state of society in those early ages, having mixed all my life with persons of every rank and condition, and traversed many celebrated regions. I say it with pride that I have always delighted to follow in the track of civilization, and claim as a great honour to myself and the other members of my fraternity, that we have in some degree contributed to hasten the mighty march of human intelligence. It is only savage nations who are too solemn and too stupid to appreciate a joke, and upon these people I never condescend to throw myself away. One of my earliest introductions to society took place about two thousand five hundred years ago, among a company of merchants who were traversing the great deserts of Arabia. Methinks I see their faces now, and the very spot where they first made acquaintance with me. It was towards sunset, under a palm tree, beside a

Did you?" said I, interrupting the Joke at this part of his narrative, and appealing to him with considerable energy of manner, for I began to be apprehensive that some of my friends, more learned than myself, might have discovered the antiquity of my "joke," and would quiz me on the subject. I restrained my impetuosity, however, and with some alarm depicted on my countenance, I asked him in a trembling voice," Did youdid you-ever-meet with-Joe Miller ?"

"D- Joe Miller!" said the Joke with much vivacity; "I suffered more from the dread of that fellow than I ever suffered in my life. I had the greatest difficulty in keeping out of his way, and I only managed it by going to sleep again. You awoke me from that slumber when, like many others who came before you, you passed me off as your own. You remember you got much credit for me, as all ever have done who have had good sense enough to introduce me only at a proper time, and wit enough to launch me forth with all my native grace and brilliancy about me."

illustrious joker. However that may be, my | a doze, from which I was not awakened unsuccess was certain; and so much was I court- til a wit in the reign of Elizabeth stumbled ed that I was compelled to visit every house in upon me and again brought me out into the Rome where wit and good humor stood any busy world. I ran a splendid career in chance of being appreciated. After living England." in this manner for about a hundred years, I took it into my head to go to sleep; and I slept so long that when I awoke I found the victorious Hun in the streets of the city. This was no time for me to show my face, and, seeing so little prospect of happy times for me and my race, I thought I could not do better than to go to sleep again. I did so, and when I awoke this second time found myself at the gay court of old king René of Provence. Among the bright ladies and amorous troubadours who held their revels there, I was much esteemed. There was, however, I am bound in candor to admit, some falling-off in my glory about this period. I was admitted to the tables of the great, it is true, but I was looked upon as a humble dependent, and obliged to eat out of the same platter with the hired jester. I could not tolerate this unworthy treatment forever, and it had such an effect upon me that I soon lost much of my wonted spirit and humor. In fact, I was continually robbed of my point by these professed wits, and often made to look uncommonly stupid; so much so, that my friends doubted my identity, and denied that I was the same joke they had been accustomed to laugh at. I contrived, however, to be revenged occasionally upon the unlucky jesters, who introduced me mal-à-propos. They used to forget that their masters were not always in a humor to be tickled by a joke, and a sound drubbing was very often the only reward of their ill-timed merriment. This was some slight consolation to me; but I could not tolerate long the low society of these hired buffoons, and, as I did not feel sleepy, I was obliged to think of some scheme by which I might escape the continual wear and tear, and loss of polish that I suffered at their hands. I at last resolved to shut myself up in a monastery, and lead a life of tranquillity and seclusion. You need not smile because so merry a personage as myself chose to be immured within the walls of a monastery, for I assure you that in the intellectual society of the monks the only intellectual society that one could meet with in those days, I was soon restored to my original brightness. I lived so well and so luxuriously among these good people, that I quickly grew sleek and lazy, and somehow or other I fell into

"Then you are not a Joe ?" said I, much relieved.

"A.Joe!" said the Joke, reddening with anger. "Have I not told you already that I am not? Do you mean to insult me by the vile insinuation that I ever showed my face in such despicable company? Do you think, sir, that I am a pun?"

"Oh, by no means," said I, "I assure you I meant no offence."

"You did, sir," replied the Joke, striking his fist upon the table with great vehemence. Immediately afterwards I observed that his face became dreadfully distorted, and he shook his head convulsively from side to side. As I continued to gaze without the power of saying a single word to calm the irritation I had so unintentionally raised, I noticed that his neck grew every instant longer and longer, until his chin seemed to be fully two feet from his shoulders. I was unable to endure the sight, and rising up, half frantic with nervous excitement, I put my hand convulsively upon his head, with the benevolent intention of squeezing it down to its proper level. He glared furiously at me with his swollen eyes, and, horrible to relate, just as I came in contact

bed."

"Where's his head, Phelim ?" said I.
"Your own, or the bed's ?" said Phelim.
"The Joke's," replied I.

"Och, you must mane your own, it's light
enough, I dare say," said Phelim, as he
pulled my boots off.
"You took a dhrop
too much last night, anyhow."
"Phelim," said I, solemnly, "did you
hear nothing?"

"To be sure I did," said Phelim. "Haven't you, like a drunken baste as you are (begging your pardon for my bouldness), been trying to broach that bottle of champagne at this early hour of the mornin', you driven the cork through the lookin' glass ?"

and haven't

I looked at the bottle, it was uncorked, and the champagne was even at that moment sparkling over the neck of the bottle, and running over my books and papers.

"A pretty piece of work you have made of it," said Phelim, picking up the cork and pointing to the looking-glass.

'T was a good joke," said I, although my faith was somewhat staggered by Phelim's explanation.

"Troth, an' I'm glad you take it so asy,' said Phelim, ramming the cork into the bottle, "you'll find it a dear one when the landlady brings in her bill for the lookin' Go to glass. But never mind it, sir, now. bed and get sober."

A STREET-CAR SCENE.

A WASHINGTON paper relates the follow. ing: The passengers of one of the Riker's street cars laughed some the other morning at a scene between the conductor and a well dressed young man from Georgetown. As the car was passing down the avenue, the young man at the time standing on the platform and taking it easy, with one foot on a trunk, was approached by the conductor and his fare demanded. He quietly passed over his five cents.

Conductor.-"I demand twenty-five cents for that trunk."

Young Man (hesitatingly)-"Twentyfive cents. Well, I think I will not pay it." C.-"Then I will put the trunk off." Y. M.-"You had better not, or you for it." be sorry may

Conductor pulls strap, stops car, dumps trunk on the avenue, starts car, and after going some two squares, approaches the mer's morning, and in an angry mood, says: "Now I have put your trunk off, what are you going to do about it?"

who is still as calm as a sum.

young man,

Y. M. (coolly)" Well, I don't propose to do anything about it, it's no concern of mine; it wasn't my trunk."

C. (fiercely)-"Then why did you not tell me so ?"

Y. M.-"Because you did not ask me, and I told you you would be sorry for it." C. (furiously)" Then go inside the car." Y. M.-"Oh, no, you're good enough company for me out here."

At this juncture a portly German emerges from the car, and angrily says: “Mine Gott, you feller, where is mine drunk?"

I took Phelim's advice and went to bed. To this day I am unable positively to decide whether his explanation was the true one or not. I incline, however, to the belief that I was not drunk, but that the illus-a trious Joke actually visited me in propria persona. I am the more inclined to this belief from the remarkable coherency of his narrative, which I now leave, without a word of comment, to the consideration of the curious.

Y. M.-"My friend, I think that is your trunk down on the avenue there."

German." Who puts him off? I hafe the monish to pay him. I will see about dot."

The car was stopped, and shortly afterward the conductor was seen to come sweating up with the trunk on his back,part of the performance he did not enjoy half as well as did the passengers.

ONE of the best temporary cures for pride and affectashun, says Josh Billings, is sea sickness; a man who wants tew vomit never puts on airs.

Barney, where are my pantaloons ?" "Is it the breeches ?" asked the valet, the series of grotesque tales known as THE INGOLDS- Casting an inquiring eye round the apartBY LEGENDS. These became very popular, were pub-ment:-"is it the breeches, sir ?"

men grave. He had nine children, and six of them with a strong accent on the auxiliary verb.

answered. Barney renewed his search, while the lieutenant folded his arms, and, leaning against the toilet, sank into a reverie.

"After all, it must be some trick of my laughter-loving cousins," said Seaforth.

"Ah! then, the ladies!" chimed in Mr. Maguire, though the observation was not addressed to him; "and will it be Miss Caroline or Miss Fanny that's stole your honor's things?"

cable bloodstain on the oaken stair yet bids defiance to the united energies of soap and sand. But it is with one particular apartment that a deed of more especial atrocity is said to be connected. A stranger guest-so runs the legend-arrived unexpectedly at the mansion of the "Bad Sir Giles." They met in apparent friendship; but the ill-concealed scowl on their master's brow told the domestics that the visit was not a welcome one; the banquet, however, was not spared; "I hardly know what to think of it," the wine cup circulated freely-too freely, pursued the bereaved lieutenant, still speak- perhaps, for sounds of discord at length ing in soliloquy, with his eye resting dubi- reached the ears of even the excluded servously on the chamber-door. "I locked my-ing-men, as they were doing their best to self in, that's certain; and—but there must imitate their betters in the lower hall. be some other entrance to the room-pooh! I remember the private staircase; how could I be such a fool?" and he crossed the chamber to where a low oaken doorcase was dimly visible in a distant corner. He paused before it. Nothing now interfered to screen it from observation; but it bore tokens of having been at some earlier period concealed by tapestry, remains of which yet clothed the walls on either side the portal. "This way they must have come," said Seaforth; "I wish with all my heart I had caught them!"

"Och! the kittens!" sighed Mr. Barney Maguire.

But the mystery was yet as far from being solved as before. True, there was the "other door;" but then that, too, on examination. was even more firmly secured than the one which opened on the gallery-two heavy bolts on the inside effectually prevented any coup de main on the lieutenant's bivouac from that quarter. He was more puzzled than ever; nor did the minutest inspection of the walls and floor throw any light upon the subject: one thing only was clear the breeches were gone! "It is very singular," said the lieutenant.

Tappington (generally called Tapton) Everard is an antiquated but commodious manor house in the eastern division of the county of Kent. A former proprietor had been high-sheriff in the days of Elizabeth, and many a dark and dismal tradition was yet extant of the licentiousness of his life and the enormity of his offences. The Glen, which the keeper's daughter was seen to enter, but never known to quit, still frowns darkly as of yore; while an ineradi

Alarmed, some of them ventured to approach the parlor; one, an old and favored retainer of the house, went so far as to break in upon his master's privacy. Sir Giles, already high in oath, fiercely enjoined his absence, and he retired; not, however, before he had distinctly heard from the stranger's lips a menace that "there was that within his pocket which could disprove the knight's right to issue that or any other command within the walls of Tapton."

The intrusion, though momentary, seemed to have produced a beneficial effect; the voices of the disputants fell, and the conversation was carried on thenceforth in a more subdued tone, till, as evening closed in, the domestics, when summoned to attend with lights, found not only cordiality restored, but that a still deeper carouse was meditated. Fresh stoups, and from the choicest bins, were produced; nor was it till at a late, or rather early, hour that the revellers sought their chambers.

The one allotted to the stranger occupied the first floor of the eastern angle of the building, and had once been the favorite apartment of Sir Giles himself. Scandal ascribed this preference to the facility which the private staircase, communicating with the grounds, had afforded him, in the old knight's time, of following his wicked courses unchecked by parental observation; a consideration which ceased to be of weight when the death of his father left him uncontrolled master of his estate and actions. From that period Sir Giles had established himself in what were called the "state apartments," and the “oaken chamber” was rarely tenanted, save on occasions of extraordi nary festivity, or when the yule log drew an unusually large accession of guests around the Christmas hearth.