Not nibbled and mumbled, and put to the rack,
By the sly undermining of tea-party clack.
Condemn me, ye gods, to a newspaper roasting,
But spare me! oh spare me, a tea-table toasting!

CCXLVIII. THERE ONCE WAS A TOPER.

1 THERE once was a toper-I'll not tell his name— Who had for his comfort a scolding old dame;

And often and often he wished himself dead,

For if drunk he came home, she would beat him to bed.
He spent all his evenings away from his home,
And when he returned, he would sneakingly come
And try to walk straightly, and say not a word—
Just to keep his dear wife from abusing her lord;
For, if he dared say his tongue was his own,

"T would set her tongue going, in no gentle tone,
And she'd huff him, and cuff him, and call him hard names
And he'd sigh to be rid of all scolding old dames.

2. It happened, one night, on a frolic he went,
He staid till his very last penny was spent,
But how to go home, and get safely to bed,

Was the thing on his heart that most heavily weighed.
But home he must go: so he caught up his hat,
And off he went singing, by this and by that,
"I'll pluck up my courage, I guess she 's in bed,

If she aint, 't is no matter, I'm sure: Who 's afraid?"
He came to his door: he lingered until

:

He peeped and he listened, and all seemed quite still;
In he went, and his wife sure enough was in bed!

"Oh!" says he, "it's just as I thought: Who's afraid ?"

3 He crept about softly, and spoke not a word,
His wife seemed to sleep, for she never e'en stirred!
Thought he, "for this night, then, my fortune is made!
For my dear scolding wife is asleep! Who's afraid?"
But soon, he felt thirsty; and slyly he rose,

And groping around, to the table he goes,

The pitcher found empty, and so was the bowl,

The pail and the tumblers,—she'd emptied the whole!
At length in a corner, a vessel he found!

Says he, "here's something to drink, "I'll be bound!"
Kind. -38

And eagerly seizing, he lifted it up,

And drank it all off, in one long hearty sup!

4. It tasted so queerly: and, what it could be, lle wondered-it neither was water, nor tea!

Just then a thought struck him and filled him with fear,
"Oh! it must be the poison for rats, I declare!"
And loudly he called on his dear sleeping wife,
And begged her to rise: "for," said he, "on my life,-
I fear it was poison, the bowl did contain!

Oh! dear! yes,-it was poison, I now feel the pain!"

66

And what made you dry, sir?" the wife sharply cried: ""T would serve you just right if from poison you died: And you 've done a fine job, and you'd now better march, For just see, you brute, you have drank all my starch!"

CCXLIX.-YES OR NO.

1. WHEN of a man I ask a question,
I wish he'd answer "yes" or "no;"
Not stay to make some smooth evasion,
And only tell me, "may be so."

2. When of a friend I wish to borrow,
A little cash, to hear him say
I've none to-day, but on to-morrow,"
Is worse than if he told me "nay.”

3. I from my soul despise all quibbling,
I'll use it not with friend or foe,
But when they ask, without dissembling,
I'll plainly answer, "yes" or "no."

4. Why all this need of plastering over,
What we in fact intend to show;
Why not at once, with much less labor,

Say frankly "yes, my friend," or "no."

5. But when I ask that trembling question,
"Will you be mine, my dearest miss ?"
Then may there be no hesitation,
But say distinctly, "yes, sir, yes."

CCL.-QUERIES.

1. Is it any body's business,
If a gentleman should choose
To wait upon a lady,

If the lady do n't refuse?

Or to speak a little plainer,

That the meaning all may know ; Is it any body's business

If a lady has a beau?

2 Is it any body's business

When that gentleman may call,
Or when he leaves a lady,

Or if he leaves at all?

Or is it necessary

That the curtain should be drawn,

To save from further trouble,
The outside lookers-on ?

3. Is it any body's business

But the lady's, if her beau
Rides out with other ladies,
And does n't let her know?
Is it any body's business

But the gentleman's, if she
Accepts another escort,

Where he does n't chance to be?

4. Is a person on the sidewalk,

Whether great or whether small, Is it any body's business

Where that person means to call?
Or if you see a person,

As he 's calling any where,
Is it any of your business

What his business may be there?

5. The substance of our query, Simply stated, would be thisIs it any body's business

What another's business is?

If it is, or if it is n't,

We would really like to know,

For we 're certain if it is n't,

There are some who make it so.

CCLI.-DEACON STOKES.

1. THERE is something very curious in the manner In which you can twist words into rhymes, Single and double;

To see how one thing with another chimes;
That is, if you have wit enough to plan a
Story, or something else to write about
Without much trouble.

2. Suppose we try it now; one Asa Stokes,
One of those men whom every thing provokes,
A surly-tempered, evil-minded, bearish,
Ill-natured kind of being;

He was the deacon of the parish,

And had the overseeing

Of some small matters, such as the ringing
Of the church-bell, and took the lead in singing.

3. Well, Deacon Stokes had gone to bed, one night, About eleven or before,

'T was in December, if my memory 's right, in '24. 'T was cold enough to make a Russian shiver;

I think I never knew one

Colder than this,—in faith it was a blue one!
As by the almanac foretold, 't was

A real Lapland night. O dear! how cold 't was!

4. There was a chap about there named Ezekiel,

A clever, good-for-nothing fellow,

Who very often used to get quite mellow;

Of whom the Deacon always used to speak ill;

For he was fond of cracking jokes

On Deacon Stokes, to show on

What terms he stood among the women folks, and so on.

5. It came to pass that on the night I speak of, Ezekiel left the tavern bar-room, where

He spent the evening, for the sake of

Drowning his care, by partaking

Of the merry-making and enjoyment

Of some good fellows there, whose sole employment
Was, all kinds of weather, on every night,

By early candle light, to get together

Reading the papers, smoking pipes and chewing,
Telling long yarns, and pouring down the ruin.

6 Pretty well corned, and up to any thing,
Drunk as a lord, and happy as a king,
Blue as a razor, from his midnight revel,
Nor fearing muskets, women, or the devil;

With a light heart-much lighter than a feather-
With a light soul that spurned the freezing weather,
And with a head ten times as light as either;
And a purse, perhaps, as light as all together,
On went Ezekiel, with a great expansion
Of thought, until he brought

Up at a post before the Deacon's mansion.

7. With one arm round the post, awhile he stood In thoughtful mood, with one eye turned

Up toward the window where, with feeble glare,
A candle burned;

Then with a serious face, and a grave, mysterious
Shake of the head, Ezekiel said-

(His right eye once more thrown upon the beacon
That from the window shone,) "I'll start the Deacon!"

8. Rap, rap, rap, rap, went Deacon Stokes's knocker. But no one stirred; rap, rap, it went again ;

"By George, it must be after ten, or

They must take an early hour for turning in."
Rap, rap, rap, rap-"My conscience, how they keep
A fellow waiting-Patience, how they sleep!

9. The Deacon then began to be alarmed, And in amazement threw up the casement; And with cap on head, of fiery red, Demanded what the cause was of the riot, That thus disturbed his quiet.

66

10. Quite cool this evening, Deacon Stokes," replied The voice below. "Well, sir, what is the matter?"

86

Quite chilly, Deacon; how your teeth do chatter!"

"You vagabond, a pretty time you have chosen

To show your wit; for I am almost frozen ;

Be off, or I will put the lash on!"

"Why bless you, Deacon, do 'nt be in a passion!
"T was all in vain to speak again,

For with the Deacon's threat about the lash,
Down went the sash.