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a dollar a-piece. Let us see how well he could get along without the "organs."

I will suppose myself to set up such a shop. I would invest one hundred dollars, more or less, in casts of brains, skulls, charts, and other matters that would make the most show for the money.

That would do to begin with. I

[graphic][subsumed][merged small]

would then advertise myself as the celebrated Professor Brainey, or whatever name I might choose, and wait for my first customer. My first customer is a middle-aged man. I look at him,-ask him a question or two, so as to hear him talk. When I have got the hang of him, I ask him to sit down, and proceed to fumble his skull, dictating as follows :

SCALE FROM I TO IO.
LIST OF FACULTIES FOR

PRIVATE NOTES FOR MY PUPIL:
CUSTOMER

Each to be accompanied with a wink.
Amativeness, 7.

Most men love the conflicting sex,

and all men love to be told they do. Alimentiveness, 8.

Don't you see that he has burst off his lowest waistcoat-button with

feeding-hey? Acquisitiveness, 8.

Of course.

A middle-aged Yankee.
Approbativeness, 7, + Hat well brushed. Hair ditto.

Mark the effect of that plus sign.
Self-esteem, 6.

His face shows that.
Benevolence, 9.

That'll please him.
Conscientiousness. 81 That fraction looks first-rate.
Mirthfulness, 7

Has laughed twice since he came in.
Ideality, 9.

That sounds well.
Form, Size, Weight, Colour
Locality, Eventuality,

4 to 6. Average everything that

can't be guessed. etc., etc.

And so of the other faculties. Of course, you know, that isn't the way the Phrenologists do. They go only by the bumps. What do you keep laughing so for? (to the boarders). I only said that is the way I should practise "Phrenology" for a living.

Oliver Wendell Holmes.

APHORISMS

We know but few men, a great many coats and breeches.

To be awake is to be alive. I have never yet met a man who was quite awake. How could I have looked him in the face?

I have found that no exertion of the legs can bring two minds much nearer to one another.

A man sits as many risks as he runs.

There are nowadays professors of philosophy, but not philosophers.

If you give money, spend yourself with it.

Sometimes we are inclined to class those who are onceand-a-half witted with the half-witted, because we appreciate only a third part of their wit.

Thoreau,

AN ENGLISH FUNERAL.

LONDON, October 15, 1802.

THE
HE most humorous sight which I have seen was an

English funeral, performed in the most fashionable manner; for you must know they perform funerals here. An undertaker's sign exhibits these words, “Funerals performed." The first one which I saw was such a novelty, I followed it a short distance, not knowing what it was; and, as my manner is to question every one whom I think can give me any information (a Yankee custom), I asked an honest fellow “what the show was?” He seemed a little offended, but directly replied, “You may know one day, if you do not come to the gallows." This man, like Chatham, was "original and unaccommodating.” But, observing that I was surprised at his answer, and feeling, perhaps, a little mortified, he asked, “Do you live in London?” I told him I had just

“Well, but people die, sometimes, in your town.” By this I discovered that the performance was a funeral.

come.

William Austin.

A LOST CHILD.

YE CRYER.

Here's a reward for who'll find Love!

Love is a-straying

Ever since Maying;
Hither and you, below, above,

All are seeking Love /

YE HAND-BILL.

Gone astray-between the Maying

And the gathering of the hay, Love, an urchin ever playing

Folk are warned against his play.

How may you know him ? by the quiver,

By the bow he's wont to bear. First on your left there comes a shiver,

Then a twinge—the arrow's there.

By his eye of pansy colour,

Deep as wounds he dealeth free; If its hue have faded duller,

'Tis not that he weeps for me.

By the smile that curls his mouthlet;

By the mockery of his sigh; By his breath, a spicy South, let

Slip his lips of roses by.

By the devil in his dimple ;

By his lies that sound so true ; By his shaft-string, that no simple

Ever culled will heal for you.

By his beckonings that embolden ;

By his quick withdrawings then ; By his flying hair, a golden

Light to lure the feet of men.

By the breast where ne'er a hurt'll

Rankle 'neath his kerchief hidWhat? you cry; he wore a kirtle ?

Faith! methinks the rascal did !

Here's a reward for who'll find Love !

Love is a-straying

Ever since Maying;
Hither and you, below, above,

I am seeking Love.

CRYER: H. BUNNER,

GRUB STREET,
CRY'S WEDDINGS,
BURYINGS, LOFT
CHILDN, AND RIGHT
CHEAPLIE.
VE 110. KNOCKER.

ye Finder pray'd

to Bring her to Master Corydon,

Petticoat Lane.

AMONG THE SPIRITS.

MY

Y naburs is mourn harf crazy on the new fangled idear

about Sperrets. Sperretooul Sircles is held nitely & 4 or 5 long hared fellers has settled here and gone into the sperret biznis excloosively. A atemt was made to git Mrs. A. Ward to embark into the Sperret biznis but the atemt faled. I of the long hared fellers told her she was a ethereal creeter & wood make a sweet mejium, whareupon she attact him with a mop handle & drove him out of the house. I will hear obsarve that Mrs. Ward is a invalerble womun—the partner of my goys & the shairer of my sorrers. In my absunce she watchis my interests & things with a Eagle Eye & when I return she welcums me in afectionate stile. Trooly it is with us as it was with Mr. & Mrs. INGOMER in the Play, to whit

2 soles with but a single thawt
2 harts which beet as I.

My naburs injooced me to attend a Sperretooul Sircle at Squire Smith's. When I arrove I found the east room

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