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much that he has bilt a fitin room for thare speshul benefit, & when too of em get into a row he has em turned loose into that place, whare the dispoot is settled a cordin to the rules of the London prize ring. Sumtimes thay abooz hisself individooally. Thay hev pulled the most of his hair out at the roots & he wares meny a horrible scar upon his body, inflicted with mop-handles, broomsticks and sich. Occashunly they git mad & scald him with bilin hot water. When he got eny waze cranky thay'd shut him up in a dark closit, previsly whippin him arter the stile of muthers when thare orfsprings git onruly. Sumtimes when he went in swimmin thay'd go to the banks of the Lake and steal all his close, thereby compellin him to sneek home by a sircootius rowt, drest in the Skanderlus stile of the Greek Slaiv. “I find that the keers of a marrid life way hevy onto me,” sed the Profit, “& sumtimes I wish I'd remained singel.” I left the Profit and startid for the tavern whare I put up to. On my way I was overtuk by a lurge krowd of Mormons, which they surrounded me & statid that they were goin into the Show free.

Wall,” sez I, “ef I find a individooal who is goin' round lettin folks into his show free, I'll let you

know.” “We've had a Revelashun biddin us go into A. Ward's Show without payin nothin!” thay showtid.

· Yes,” hollered a lot of femaile Mormonesses, ceasin me by the cote tales & swingin me round very rapid, “ we're all goin in free! So sez the Revelashun!”

“What's Old Revelashun got to do with my show?" sez I, gittin putty rily. “Tell Mister Revelashun," sed I, drawin myself up to full hite and lookin round upon the ornery krowd with a prowd & defiant mean, “ tell Mister Revelashun to mind his own bizness, subject only to the Konstitushun of the United States ! ”

“Oh now let us in, that's a sweet man," sed several femailes, puttin thare arms rownd me in lovin stile.


Becum 1 of us.

Becum a Preest & hav wives Sealed to


Sez I,

“Not a Seal !” sez I, startin back in horror at the idee.

Oh stay, Sir, stay,” sed a tall gawnt femaile, ore whoos hed 37 summirs must hev parsd, “stay, & I'll be your Jentle Gazelle.”

"Not ef I know it, you won't,” sez I. Awa, you skanderlus femaile, awa! Go & be a Nunnery!” That's what I sed, jes so.

"& I,” sed a fat chunky femaile, who must hev wade more than too hundred lbs., “I will be your sweet gidin Star!”

Ile bet two dollers and a half you won't !” Whare ear I may Rome Ile still be troo 2 thee, Oh Betsy Jane! [N.B. Betsy Jane is my wife's Sir naime.)

“Wiltist thou not tarry hear in the Promist Land ?” sed several of the miserabil critters.

“ Ile see you all essenshally cussed be 4 I wiltist!' roared I, as mad as I cood be at thare infernul noncents. I girded up my Lions & fled the Seen. I packt up my duds & left Salt Lake, which is a 2nd Soddum and Germorrer, inhabitid by as theavin & onprincipled a set of retchis as ever drew Breth in any spot on the Globe.

Artemus Ward.




"HOU art my love! I have none other,

But only thee-but only thee.


Now, Charles, do stop this silly bother,

And drink your tea—your cooling tea.


Your eyes are diamonds, gems refined,

Your teeth are pearl, your hair is gold.


Oh, nonsense now! I know you'll find

Your cutlets cold-exceeding cold.

Where'er thou art, my passions burn;

I envy not the monarch's crown.


Put some hot water in the urn,

And toast this bread, and toast it brown.


Had I Golconda's wealth, I say

'Twere thine at will—'twere thine at will.


Then let me have a cheque to pay

The dry-goods bill—that tedious bill!

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Oh, heed it not, my trembling flower;

If want should press us, let it come.


And, apropos, the bill for flour;

Is quite a sum-an unpaid sum.

ROMANTIC HUSBAND. So rich in love, so rich in joy,

No change our cup of bliss can spill


Now do be quiet! You destroy

My cambric frill—my well-starched frill.


Ha ! senseless, soulless, loveless girl,

To sympathy and passion dead !


A moment since I was your "pearl,”

Your "only love”—at least you said.


I spoke it in the bitter jest

Of one his own deep sadness scorning.


Well, candour is at all times best;

I wish you, sir, a fair good morning !

Charles Graham Halpine.


T was dimmest twilight when Kitty entered Mrs. Ellison's

room, and sank down on the first chair in silence. "The Colonel met a friend at the St. Louis, and forgot about the expedition, Kitty,” said Fanny, "and he only came in half-an-hour ago. But it's just as well; I know you've had a splendid time. Where's Mr. Arbuton?” Kitty burst into tears.

Why, has anything happened to him ?” cried Mrs. Ellison, springing towards her.

“ To him? No! What should happen to him ?” Kitty demanded, with an indignant accent.

“Well, then, has anything happened to you?

“I don't know if you can call it happening. But I suppose you'll be satisfied now, Fanny. He's offered himself to me.”

Kitty uttered the last words with a sort of violence, as if, since the fact must be stated, she wished it to appear in the sharpest relief.

“ Oh, dear !” said Mrs. Ellison, not so well satisfied as the successful match-maker ought to be. So long as it was a marriage in the abstract, she had never ceased to desire it; but as the actual union of Kitty and this Mr. Arbuton, of whom, really, they knew so little, and of whom, if she searched her heart, she had as little liking as knowledge, it was another affair. Mrs. Ellison trembled at her triumph, and began to think that failure would have been easier to bear. Were they in the least suited to each other? Would she like to see poor Kitty chained for life to that impassive egotist, whose very merits were repellent, and whose modesty even seemed to convict and snub you? Mrs. Ellison was not able to put the matter to herself with

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