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thousand dollars' worth of those elegant carpets from which that city derives its name. Mr. Doty says that he was well treated everywhere except in England. He is specially bitter against Mr. Phelps, our representative at the court of St. James.

“This man Phelps,” says he, “is a little, dried-up, snobbish Vermont lawyer, with a soul no bigger than a huckleberry. I dyed my moustache, and put on my dresssuit and my twenty-thousand-dollar diamond bosom-pin, and called to see him. A fine specimen he is to represent our wealth and culture! I don't believe his clothes cost more than twenty dollars a suit.

' I suppose I ought to call on the queen,' says I.

"He didn't say anything; and I continued, 'Would you mind introducing me?'

“Really, Mr. Doty,' says he, 'I do not feel like presenting an entire stranger to her Majesty.' "Oh!

you

needn't be scared,' says I, ‘for I carry as big a letter of credit as any American in London; and when it comes to culture, and that sort of thing, I can knock the socks off any of your lords and marqueezies.'

“Well, will you believe it? he had the impudence to shove a printed list of questions at me.

“You will have to answer these on oath before I can tell you whether I can present you to her Majesty,' says he.

“I was as mad as a Texas steer. Here are some of the questions: ‘Did you ever have a grandfather? and if so, what was his vocation?' 'Have you contracted the toothbrush habit?' 'Are you addicted to the use of the double negative?' 'Spell phthisis, strychnine, pneumonia ?' Fine questions these to put to a gentleman worth a cool million! I told him to go to with his queen; and I'm going to have my private secretary write a letter to the President, complaining of Phelps, and demanding that he be discharged.”

Eugene Field.

OUR TWO OPINIONS.

US
S two wuz boys when we fell out,-

Nigh to the age uv my youngest now; Don't rec'lect what 't wuz about,

Some small deeff'rence, I'll allow. Lived next neighbours twenty years,

A-hatin' each other, me 'nd Jim,He havin' his opinyin uv me,

’nd I havin' my opinyin uv him.

Grew up together ’nd wouldn't speak,

Courted sisters, ’nd marr’d 'em, too; 'tended same meetin’-house oncet a week,

A-hatin' each other through 'nd through! But when Abe Linkern asked the West

F'r soldiers, we answered,-me 'nd Jim,He havin' his opinyin uv me,

’nd I havin' my opinyin uv him.

But down in Tennessee one night

Ther wuz sound uv firin' fur away, ’nd the sergeant allowed ther'd be a fight

With the Johnnie Rebs some time nex' day; ’nd as I wuz thinkin' uv Lizzie ’nd home

Jim stood afore me, long ’nd slim,He havin' his opinyin uv me,

’nd I havin' my opinyin uv him.

Seemed like we knew ther wuz goin' to be

Serious trouble f'r me ’nd him;
Us two shuck hands, did Jim ’nd me,

But never a word from me or Jim !

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Jim never come back from the war again,

But I hain't forgot that last, last night
When, waitin' f'r orders, us two men

Made up ’nd shuck hands, afore the fight. ’nd after it all, it's soothin' to know

That here I be 'nd yonder's Jim,-
He havin' his opinyin uv me,
’nd I havin' my opinyin uv him.

Eugene Field.

ONE OF MR. WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS.

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To the Editor of the
SIR-I'm
IR-I'm movin along-slowly along-down tords your

place. I want you should rite me a letter, sayin how is the show bizniss in your place. My show at present consists of three moral Bares, a Kangaroo (a amoozin little Raskal'twould make you larf yerself to deth to see the little cuss jump up and squeal) wax figgers of G. Washington Gen. Tayler, John Bunyan Capt. Kidd and Dr. Webster in the act of killin Dr. Parkman, besides several miscellanyus moral wax statoots of celebrated piruts & murderers, &c., ekalled by few & exceld by none. Now Mr. Editor, scratch orf a few lines sayin how is the show bizness down to your place. I shall hav my hanbills dun at your offiss. Depend

I want you should git my hanbills up in flamin stile. Also git up a tremenjus excitemunt in yr. paper 'bowt my onparaleld Show. We must fetch the public sumhow. We must wurk on their feelins. Cum the moral on 'em strong. If its a temprance community tell 'em I sined the pledge fifteen minits arter Ise born, but on the contery ef your peple take their tods, say Mister Ward is as Jenial a feller as we ever met, full of conwiviality, & the life an sole of the Soshul Bored. Take, don't you? If yo say anythin abowt my show say my snaiks is as harmliss as the new-born Babe. What a interestin study it is to see a zewological animal like a snaik under perfeck subjecshun! My kangaroo is the most larfable little cuss I ever saw. All

upon it.

for 15 cents. I am anxyus to skewer your infloounce. I repeet in regard to them hanbills that I shall git 'em struck orf up to your printin offiss. My perlitercal sentiments agree with yourn exackly. I know thay do, becawz I never saw a man whoos didn't. Respectively yures,

A. WARD. P.S.—You scratch my back & Ile scratch your back.

Artemus Ward.

THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. THARE was many affectin ties which made me hanker

arter Betsy Jane. Her father's farm jined our'n; their cows and our'n squencht their thurst at the same spring; our old mares both had stars in their forrerds; the measles broke out in both famerlies at nearly the same period; our parients (Betsy's and mine) slept reglarly every Sunday in the same meetin house, and the nabers used to obsarve, “How thick the Wards and Peasleys air !” It was a surblime site, in the Spring of the year, to see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine) with their gowns pin'd up so thay couldn't sile 'em, affecshunitly Bilin sope together & aboozin the nabers.

Altho I hankerd intensly arter the objeck of my affecshuns, I darsunt tell her of the fires which was rajin in my manly Buzzom. I'd try to do it but my tung would kerwollup up agin the roof of my mowth & stick thar, like deth to a deseast Afrikan, or a country postmaster to his offiss, while my hart whanged agin my ribs like a oldfashioned wheat Flale agin a barn door.

'Twas a carm still nite in Joon. All nater was husht and nary zeffer disturbed the sereen silens. I sot with Betsy Jane on the fense of her farther's pastur. We'd bin rompin threw the woods, kullin flours & drivin the wood

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