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with God in prayer, I think, with a child-like spirit. That passage of scripture occurred to my mind, and gave me great assistance, “If ye, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the holy Spirit to them that ask him ?” This text I was helped to plead, and insist upon; and saw the divine faithfulness engaged for dealing with me better than any earthly parent can do with his child. This season so refreshed my soul, that my body seemed also to be a gainer by it. And from this time, I began gradually to amend. And as I recovered some strength, vigour, and spirit, I found at times some freedom and life in the exercises of devotion, and some longings after spirituality and a life of usefulness to the interests of the great Redeemer. At other times, I was awfully barren and lifeless, and out of frame for the things of God; so that I was ready often to out, “ Oh that it were with me as in months past!" Oh that God had taken me away in the midst of my usefulness, with a sudden stroke, that I might not have been under a necessity of trifling away time in diversions! Oh that I had never lived to spend so much precious time, in so poor a manner, and to so little purpose! Thus I often reflected, was grieved, ashamed, and even confounded, sunk and discouraged.
On Tuesday, Feb. 24. I was able to ride as far as Newark, (having been confined within Elisabeth-Town almost four months), and the next day returned to Elisabeth-Town. My spirits were somewhat refreshed with the ride, though my body was weary
On Saturday, Feb. 28. Was visited by an Indian of my own congregation; who brought me letters, and good news of the sober and good behaviour of my people in general. This refreshed my soul; I could not but soon retire, and bless God for his goodness; and found, I trust, a truly thankful frame of spirit, that God seemed to be building up that congregation for himself.
On Wednesday, March 4. I met with reproof from a friend, which, although I thought I did not deserve it from him, yet was, I trust, blessed of God to make me more tenderly afraid of sin, more jealous over myself, and more concerned to keep both heart and life pure and unblameable. It likewise caused me'to reflect on iny past deadness, and want of spirituality, and to abhor myself, and look on myself as most unworthy'; This frame of mind continued the next day; and for several days after, I grieved to think, that in my necessary diversions I had not maintained more seriousness, solemnity, heavenly affection and conversation. Thus my spirits were often depressed and sunk; and yet, I trust, that reproof was made to be beneficial to me.
Wednesday, March 11, being kept in Elisabeth-Town as a day of fasting and prayer, I was able to attend public worship; which was the first time I was able so to do after December 21. Oh, how much weakness and distress did God carry me through in this space of time! But having obtained help from him, I yet live: Oh that I could live more to his glory!
Lord's day, March 15. Was able again to attend the public worship, and felt some earnest desires of being restored to the ministerial work: felt, I think, some spirit and life, to speak for God.
Wednesday, March 18. Rode out with a design to visit my people; and the next day arrived among them: but was under great dejection in my journey.
On Friday morning, I rose early, walked about among my people, and inquired into their state and concerns; and found an additional weight and burden on my spirits, upon hearing some things disagreeable. I endeavoured to go to God with my distresses, and made some kind of lamentable complaint; and in a broken manner spread my difficulties before God; but notwithstanding, my mind continued very gloomy. About ten o'clock, I called my people together, and after having explained and sung a psalm, I prayed with them. There was a considerable deal of affection among them; I doubt not, in some instances, that which was more than merely natural.
This was the last interview that he ever had with his people. About eleven o'clock the same day, he left them; and the next day came to Elisabeth-Town; his melancholy remaining still: and he continued for a considerable time under a great degree of dejection through vapoury disorders.
Saturday, March 28. Was taken this morning with violent griping pains. These pains were extreme, and constant, for several bours; so that it seemed impossible for me, without a miracle, to live twenty-four hours in such distress. I lay confined to my bed, the whole day, and in distressing pain, all the former part of it: but it pleased God to bless means for the abatement of my distress. Was exceedingly weakened by this pain, and continued so for several days following; being exercised with a fever, cough, and nocturnal sweats. In this distressed case, so long as my head was free of vapoury
confusions, death appeared agreeable to me; I looked on it as the end of toils, and an entrance into a place “ where the weary are at rest;" and, I think, I had some relish of the entertainments of the heavenly state; so that by these I was allured and drawn, as well as driven by the fatigues of life. Oh, how happy it is, to be drawn by desires of a state of perfect holiness!
Saturday, April 4. Was sunk and dejected, very restless and uneasy, by reason of the mis-improvement of time; and yet knew not what to do. I longed to spend time in fasting and prayer, that I might be delivered from indolence and coldness in the things of God; but, alas, I had not bodily strength for these exercises! Oh, how blessed a thing is it to enjoy peace of conscience! but how dreadful is a want of inward peace and composure of soul! It is impossible, I find, to enjoy this happiness without redeeming time, and maintaining a spiritual frame of mind.
Lord's day, April 5. It grieved me, to find myself so inconceivably barren. My soul thirsted for grace: but, alas, how far was I from obtaining what appeared to me so exceeding excellent! I was ready to despair of ever being a boly creature and yet my soul was desirous of following hard after God; but never did I see myself so far from having apprehended, or being already perfect, as at this time.
The Lord's supper being this day administered, I attended the ordinance: and though I saw in myself a dreadful emptiness, and want of grace, and saw myself as it were at an infinite distance from that purity which becomes the gospel; yet at the communion, especially the distribution of the bread, I enjoyed some warmth of affection, and felt a tender love to the brethren ; and, I think, to the glorious Redeemer, the first-born among them. . I endeavoured then to bring forth mine and his enemies, and slay them before him; and found great freedom in begging deliverance from this spiritual death, as well as in asking divine favours for my friends, and congregation, and the church of Christ in general.
Tuesday, April 7. In the afternoon rode to Newark, in order to marry the Reverend Mr. Dickinson *; and in the
* The late learned and very excellent Mr. Jonathan Dickinson, pastor of a church in Elisabeth-Town, president of the college of New Jersey, and one of the correspondents of the honourable socicty in Scotland for propagating Christian knove ledge. He had a great esteem for Mr. BRAINERD, and kindly entertained him in his house during his sickness in the winter past ; and after a short illness, he died
the next ensuing October, two days before Mr. Brainerd.
evening, performed that work. Afterwards, rode home to Elisabeth-Town, in a pleasant frame, full of composure and sweetness.
Thursday, April 9. Attended the ordination of Mr. Tucker *, and afterwards the examination of Mr. Smith : was in a comfortable frame of mind this day, and felt my heart, I think, sometimes in a spiritual frame.
Friday, April 10. Spent the forenoon in Presbyterial business : in the afternoon, rode to Elisabeth-Town; found my brother John there f: spent some time in conversation with him; but was extremely weak and outdone, my spirits considerably sunk, and my mind dejected.
Monday, April 13. Assisted in examining my brother. In the evening, was in a solemn devout frame; but was much overdone and oppressed with a violent head-ach.
Tuesday, April 14. Was able to do little or nothing : spent some time with Mr. Byram and other friends. This day my brother went to my people.
Wednesday, April 15. Found some freedom at the throne of grace, several times this day, In the afternoon, was very weak, and spent the time to very little purpose; and yet in the evening, had, I thought, some religious warmth and spiritual desires in prayer: my soul seemed to go forth after God, and take complacence in his divine perfections. But, alas ! afterwards awfully let down my watch, and grew careless and secure.
Thursday, April 16. Was in bitter anguish of soul, in the morning, such as I bave scarce ever felt, with a sense of sin and guilt. I continued in distress the whole day, attempting to pray wherever I went; and indeed could not help so doing : but looked upon myself so vile, I dared not look any body in the face; and was even grieved, that any body should shew me any respect, or least, that they should be so deceived as to think I deserved it.
Friday, April 17. In the evening, could not but think,
* A worthy pious young gentleman ; who lived in the ministry but a very sbort time: he died at Stratfield in Connecticut, the December following bis ordination, being a little while after Mr. Brainerd's death at Northampton. He was taken ill on a journey, returning from a visit to his friends at Milton (in the Massachusetts), which, as ! take it, ivas his native place, and Harvard-college the place of his education.
+ This brother of his had been sent for by the correspondents, to take care of, and instruct Mr. Brainerd's congregation of Indians; he being obliged by his illness to be absent from them, And he continued io take care of them till Mr. Brainerd's death : and since his death, has been ordained his successor in his mission, and to the charge of kis congregation ; which continues much to flourish under his pastoral care.
that God helped me to " draw near to the throne of grace," though most unworthy, and gave me a sense of his favour; which gave me inexpressible support and encouragement, Though I scarcely dared to hope the mercy was real, it appeared so great; yet could not but rejoice, that ever God should discover his reconciled face to such a vile sinner. Shame and confusion, at times, covered me; and then hope, and joy, and admiration of divine goodness gained the ascendant. Sometimes I could not but admire the divine goodness, that the Lord had not let me fall into all the grossest vilest acts of sins and open scandal, that could be thought of; and felt my. self so necessitated to praise God, that this was ready for a little while to swallow up my shame and pressure of spirit on account of my sins.
After this, his dejection and pressure of spirit returned ; and he remained under it the two next days.
Monday, April 20. Was in a very disordered state, and kept my bed most of the day: I enjoyed a little more comfort, than in several of the preceding days. This day I arrived at the age of twenty-nine years.
Tuesday, April 21. I set out on my journey for New-England, in order (if it might be the will of God) to recover my health by riding : travelled to New-York, and there lodged.
This proved his final departure from New Jersey.--He travelled slowly, and arrived among his friends at East-Haddam, about the beginning of May. There is very little account in his diary, of the time that passed from his setting out on this journey to May 10. He speaks of his sometimes finding his heart rejoicing in the glorious perfections of God, and longing to live to him; but complains of the unfixedness of his thoughts, and their being easily diverted from divine subjects, and cries out of his leapness, as testify. ing against him, in the loudest manner. And concerning those diversions he was obliged to use for his health, he says, that he sometiines found he could use diversions with “singleness of heart,” aiming at the glory of God; but that he also found there was a necessity of great care and watchfulness, lest he should lose that spiritual temper of mind in his diversions, and lest they should degenerate into what was merely selfish, without any supreme aim at the glory of God in them.
Lord's day, May 10. (At Had-Lime) I could not but feel some measure of gratitude to God at this time, (wherein I was much exercised), that he had always disposed me, in my ministry, to insist on the great doctrines of regeneration, the new creature, faith in Christ, progressive sanctification, supreme love to God, living entirely to the glory of God, being not our