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solitariness and hardship; and that I had nothing to lose, nothing to do with earth, and consequently nothing to lose by a total renunciation of it. It appeared to me just right, that I should be destitute of house and home, and many comforts of life, which I rejoiced to see others of God's people enjoy. And at the same time, I saw so much of the excellency of Christ's kingdom, and the infinite desirableness of its advancement in the world, that it swallowed up all my other thoughts; and made me willing, yea, even rejoice, to be made a pilgrim or hermit in the wilderness, to my dying moment, if I might thereby promote the blessed interest of the great Redeemer. And if ever my soul presented itself to God for his service, without any reserve of any kind, it did so now. The language of my thoughts and disposition now was, "Here I am, Lord, send me; send me to the ends of the earth; send me to the rough, the savage Pagans of the wilderness; send me from all that is called comfort in earth, or earthly comfort; send me even to death itself, if it be but in thy service, and to promote thy kingdom." And at the same time I had as quick and lively a sense of the value of worldly comforts, as ever I had; but only saw them infinitely overmatched by the worth of Christ's kingdom, and the propagation of his blessed gospel. The quiet settlement, the certain place of abode, the tender friendship, which I thought I might be likely to enjoy in consequence of such circumstances, appeared as valuable to me, considered absolutely and in themselves, as ever before; but considered comparatively, they appeared nothing. Compared with the value and preciousness of an enlargement of Christ's kingdom, they vanished like the stars before the rising sun. And sure I am, that although the comfortable accommodations of life appeared valuable and dear to me, yet I did surrender and resign myself, soul and body, to the service of God, and promotion of Christ's kingdom: though it should be in the loss of them all. And I could not do any other, because I could not will or choose any other. I was constrained, and yet chose, to say, "Farewell, friends and earthly comforts, the dearest of them all, the very dearest, if the Lord calls for it; adieu, adieu; I will spend my life, to my latest moments, in caves and dens of the earth, if the kingdom of Christ may thereby be advanced." I found extraordinary freedom at this time in pouring out my soul to God, for his cause; and especially that his kingdom might be extended among the Indians, far remote; and I had a great and strong hope, that God would do it. I continued wrestling with God inprayer for my
dear little flock here; and more especially for the Indians elsewhere; as well as for dear friends in one place and another; till it was bed-time, and I feared I should hinder the family, &c. But Oh, with what reluctancy did I find myself obliged to consume time in sleep! I longed to be as a flame of fire, continually glowing in the divine service, preaching and building up Christ's kingdom, to my latest, my dying moment.
Friday, May 23. In the morning, was in the same frame of mind, as in the evening before. The glory of Christ's kingdom so much outshone the pleasure of earthly accommodations and enjoyments, that they appeared comparatively nothing, though in themselves good and desirable. My soul was melted in secret meditation and prayer, and I found myself divorced from any part in this world: so that in those affairs that seemed of the greatest importance to me, in respect of the present life, and those wherein the tender powers of the mind are most sensibly touched, I could only say, "The will of the Lord be done." But just the same things that I felt the evening before, I felt now; and found the same freedom in prayer for the people of my charge, for the propagation of the gospel among the Indians, and for the enlargement and spiri. tual welfare of Zion in general, and my dear friends in particular, now, as I did then; and longed to burn out in one continued flame for God. Retained much of the same frame through the day. In the evening, was visited by my brother John Brainerd: the first visit I have ever received from any near relative, since I have been a missionary. Felt the same frame of spirit in the evening, as in the morning; and found that "it was good for me to draw near to God," and leave all my concerns and burdens with him. Was enlarged and refreshed in pouring out my soul for the propagation of the gospel of the Redeemer among the distant tribes of Indians. Blessed be God. If ever I filled up a day with studies and devotion, I was enabled so to fill up this day.
Saturday, May 24.--Enjoyed this day something of the same frame of mind as I felt the day before.
Lord's day, May 25. See the public journal.—This week, at least the former part of it, he was in a very weak state: but yet seems to have been free from melancholy, which often had attended the failing of his bodily strength. He from time to time speaks of comfort and inward refreshment, this week.-Lord's day, June 2. See the public journal.
Monday, June 2. In the evening, enjoyed some freedom in secret prayer and meditation.
Tuesday, June 3. My soul rejoiced, early in the morning, to think, that all things were at God's disposal. Oh, it pleased me to leave them there! Felt afterwards much as I did, on Thursday evening, May 22, last; and continued in this frame for several hours. Walked out into the wilderness, and enjoyed freedom, fervency, and comfort, in prayer: and again enjoyed the same in the evening.
Wednesday, June 4. Spent the day in writing, and enjoyed some comfort, satisfaction, and freedom in my work. In the evening, I was favoured with a sweet refreshing frame of soul in secret prayer and meditation. Prayer was now wholly turned into praise, and I could do little else but try to adore and bless the living God. The wonders of his grace displayed in gathering to himself a church among the poor Indians here, were the subject matter of my meditation, and the occasion of exciting my soul to praise and bless his name. My soul was scarce ever more disposed to inquire, "What I should render to God for all his benefits," than at this time. Oh, I was brought into a strait, a sweet and happy strait, to know what to do! I longed to make some returns to God; but found I had nothing to return: I could only rejoice, that God had done the work himself; and that none in heaven or earth might pretend to share the honour of it with him. I could only be glad, that God's declarative glory was advanced by the conversion of these souls, and that it was to the enlargement of his kingdom in the world: but saw I was so poor, that I had nothing to offer to him. My soul and body, through grace, I could cheerfully surrender to him: but it appeared to me, this was rather a cumber, than a gift; and nothing could I do to glorify his dear and blessed name. Yet I was glad at heart, that he was unchangeably possessed of glory and blessedness. Oh that he might be adored and praised by all his intelligent creatures, to the utmost of their power and capacities! My soul would have rejoiced to see others praise him, though I could do nothing towards it myself.
The next day, he speaks of his being subject to some degree of melancholy; but of being somewhat relieved in the evening.-Friday, June 6. See the public journal.
Saturday, June 7.-Rode to Freehold to assist Mr. Tennent in the administration of the Lord's supper. In the afternoon, preached from Psal. Ixxiii. 28. But it is good for me to draw near to God, &c. God gave me some freedom and warmth in my discourse and I trust, his presence was in the assembly.
Was comfortably composed, and enjoyed a thankful frame of spirit; and my soul was grieved that I could not render something to God for his benefits bestowed. O that I could be swallowed up in his praise!
Lord's day, June 8. Spent much time, in the morning, in secret duties; but between hope and fear, respecting the enjoyment of God in the business of the day then before us. Was agreeably entertained, in the forenoon, by a discourse from Mr. Tennent, and felt somewhat melted and refreshed. In the season of communion, enjoyed some comfort; and especially in serving one of the tables. Blessed be the Lord, it was a time of refreshing to me, and I trust to many others. A number of my dear people sat down by themselves at the last table; at which time God seemed to be in the midst of them. And the thoughts of what God had done among them were refreshing and melting to me. In the afternoon, God enabled me to preach with uncommon freedom, from 2 Cor. v. 20. Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, &c. Through the great goodness of God, I was favoured with a constant flow of pertinent matter, and proper expressions, from the beginning to the end of my discourse.
evening, I could not but rejoice in God, and bless him for the manifestations of grace in the day past. Oh, it was a sweet and solemn day and evening! a season of comfort to the godly, and of awakening to some souls. Oh that I could praise the Lord!
Monday, June 9. Enjoyed some sweetness in secret duties. -Preached the concluding sermon from Gen. v. 24. "And Enoch walked with God," &c. God gave me enlargement and fervency in my discourse; so that I was enabled to speak with plainness and power; and God's presence seemed to be in the assembly. Praised be the Lord, it was a sweet meeting, a desirable assembly. I found my strength renewed, and lengthened out, even to a wonder; so that I felt much stronger at the conclusion, than in the beginning of this sacramental solemnity. I have great reason to bless God for this solemnity, wherein I have found assistance in addressing others, and sweetness in my own soul.
On Tuesday, he found himself spent, and his spirits exhausted by his late labours; and on Wednesday, complains of vapoury disorders, and dejection of spirit, and of enjoying but little comfort or spirituality.
Thursday, June 12. In the evening, enjoyed freedom of mind, and some sweetness in secret prayer: it was a desirable
season to me; my soul was enlarged in prayer for my own dear people, and for the enlargement of Christ's kingdom, and especially for the propagation of the gospel among the Indians, back in the wilderness. Was refreshed in prayer for dear friends in New-England, and elsewhere: I found it sweet to pray at this tiine; and could with all my heart say, "It is good for me to draw near to God."
Friday, June 13.-I came away from the meeting of the Indians, this day, rejoicing and blessing God for his grace manifested at this season.
Saturday, June 14. Rode to Kingston, to assist the Rev. Mr. Wales in the administration of the Lord's supper. In the afternoon, preached; but almost fainted in the pulpit: yet God strengthened me when I was just gone, and enabled me to speak his word with freedom, fervency, and application to the conscience. And praised be the Lord; "out of weakness I was made strong." I enjoyed some sweetness, in and after public worship; but was extremely tired. Oh, how many are the mercies of the Lord! "To them that have no might, he increaseth strength."
Lord's day, June 15. Was in a dejected spiritless frame, that I could not hold up my head, nor look any body in the face. Administered the Lord's supper at Mr. Wales's desire: and found myself in a good measure unburdened and relieved of my pressing load, when I came to ask a blessing on the ele ments; here God gave me enlargement, and a tender affectionate sense of spiritual things; so that it was a season of comfort, in some measure to me, and, I trust, more so to others. In the afternoon, preached to a vast multitude, from Rev. xxii. 17. “And whosoever will," &c. God helped me to offer a testimony for himself, and to leave sinners inexcusable in neglecting his grace. I was enabled to speak with such freedom, fluency, and clearness, as commanded the attention of the great. Was extremely tired, in the evening, but enjoyed composure and sweetness.
Monday, June 16. Preached again; and God helped me amazingly, so that this was a sweet refreshing season to my soul and others. Qh, for ever blessed be God for help afforded at this time, when my body was so weak, and while there was so large an assembly to hear. Spent the afternoon in a comfortable agreeable manner.
The next day was spent comfortably.-On Wednesday, he went to a meeting of ministers at Hopewell.-Thursday, June 19. See his public Jour