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an friends, and prayed; and indeed it was a sweet time with me. I was enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with God; and taking leave of friends, I rode to Ripton, and was comforted in an opportunity to see and converse with dear Mr. Mills.
In the four next follouing days, he was sometimes oppressed with the weight of that great affair, about which Mr. Pemberton had written to him ; but was enabled from time to time to "cast his burden on the Lord,” and to commit himself and all his concerns to him. He continued still in a sense of the excellency of holiness, longings after it, and earnest desires of the advancement of Christ's kingdom in the world ; and had from time to time sweetcomfort in meditation and prayer.
Wednesday, Nov. 24. Came to New-York; felt still much concerned about the importance of my business; put up many earnest requests to God for bis help and direction; was confused with the noise and tumult of the city ; enjoyed but little time alone with God; but my soul longed after him.
Thursday, Nov. 25. Spent much time in prayer and supplication : was examined by some gentlemen, of my Christian esperiences, and my acquaintance with divinity, and some other studies, in order to my improvement in that important affair of gospellizing the Heathen *; and was made sensible of my great ignorance and unfitness for public service. I had the most abasing thoughts of myself, I think, that ever I had; I thought myself the worst wretch that ever lived: it hurt me, and pained my very heart, that any body should shew me any respect. Alas! methought, how sadly they are deceived in me! how miserably would they be disappointed, if they knew my inside! Oh my heart !-And in this depressed condition, I was forced to go and preach to a considerable assembly, before some grave and learned ministers; but felt such a pressure from a sense of my vileness, ignorance, and unfitness to appear in public, that I was almost overcome with it; my soul was grieved for the congregation ; that they should sit there to hear such a dead dog as I preach. I thought myself infinitely indebted to the people, and longed that God would reward them with the rewards of his grace. I spent much of the evening alone.
* These gentlemen who examined Mr. Brainerd, were the correspondents in New-York, New-Jersey, and Pensylvania, of the honourable society in Scotland for propagating Christian koowledge ; to wbom was comwitted the management of their affairs in those parts, and wbo were now met at New-York.'
FROM THE TIME OF HIS EXAMINATION BY THE CORRESPOND
ENTS OF THE SOCIETY FOR PROPAGATING CHRISTIAN
Friday, Nov. 26. Had still a sense of my great vileness, and endeavoured as much as I could to keep alone. Oh, what a nothing, what dust and ashes am 1!-Enjoyed some peace and comfort in spreading my complaints before the God of all grace.
Saturday, Nov. 27. Committed my soul to God with some degree of comfort; left New-York about nine in the morning; came away with a distressing sense still of my unspeakable unworthiness. Surely I may well love all my brethren; for none of them all is so vile as I; whatever they do outwardly, yet it seems to me none is conscious of so much guilt before God. Oh my leanness, my barrenness, my carnality, and past bitterness, and want of a gospel-temper! These things oppress my soul.-Rode from New-York, thirty miles, to White Plains, and most of the way conținued lifting up my heart to God for mercy and purifying grace: and spent the evening much dejected in spirit.
The three next days, he continued in this frame, in a great sense of his own vileness, with an evident mixture of melancholy, in no small degree; but had some intervals of comfört, and God's sensible presence with him.
Wednesday, Dec. 1. My soul breathed after God, in sweet spiritual and longing desires of conformity to him; my soul was brought to rest itself and all on his rich grace, and felt strength and encouragement to do or suffer any thing that divine providence should allot me.-Rode about twenty mlles from Stratfield to Newton.
Within the space of the next nine days, he went a journey froin Newton to Haddam, his native town; and after staying there some days, returned again into the western part of Connecticut, and came to Southbusy. la his account of the frames and exercises of his mind, during this space of time, are sach things as these; frequent turns of dejection ; a sense of his vileness, emptiness, and an unfathomable abyss of desperate wickedness in his heart, attended with a conviction that he had never seen but little of it; bitterly mourning over his barrenness, being greatly grieved that he could not live 10 God, to whom he owed his all ten thousand times, crying out, “My leanness, my leanness!" a sense of the ineetness and suitableness of his lying in the dust beneath the feet of iofioite majesty; fervency and ardour in prayer; longing to live to God; being afflicted with some impertinent trisling conversation that he beard ; but enjoying sweetness in Christian conversation.
Saturday, Dec. 11. Conversed with a dear friend, to whom I had thought of giving a liberal education, and being at the whole charge of it, that he might be fitted for the gospel-ministry *. I acquainted him with my thoughts in that matter, and so left him to consider of it, till I should see hiin again. Then I rode to Bethlehem, came to Mr. Bellamy's lodgings; and spent the evening with him in sweet conversation and prayer. We recommended the concern of sending my friend to college to the God of all grace. Blessed be the Lord for this evening's opportunity together. ·
Lord's day, Dec. 12. I felt, in the morning, as if I had little or no power either to pray or preach; and felt a distressing need of divine help. I went to meeting trembling; but it pleased God to assist me in prayer and sermon. I think, my soul scarce ever penetrated so far into the immaterial world, in any one prayer that ever I made, nor were my devotions ever so free from gross conceptions and imaginations framed from beholding material objects. I preached with some sweetness, from Matth. vi. 33. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, &c.; and in the afternoon from Rom. xv. 30. And now I beseech you, brethren, &c. There was much affection in the assembly. This has been a sweet Sabbath to me;
* Mr. BRAINERD, having now undertaken the business of a missionary to the Indians, and expecting is a little time to leave his native country, to go among the sayages into the wilderness, far distant, and spend the remainder of his life among them and having some estate left him by his father, and thinking he should bare no occasion for it among them, (though afterwards, as he told me, he found himself mistaken)-set himself to think which way he might spend it most to the glory of God; and no way presenting to his thoughts, wherein he could do more good with it, than by being at the charge of educating some young person for the ministry, who appeared to be of good abilities, and well disposed, he fixed upon the person here spoken of to this end. Accordingly he was soon put to learning; and Mr. BRAINERD Continued to be at the charge of his education from year to year, so long * he lived, which was till this young man was carried through bis third year is college.
and blessed be God, I have reason to think, that my religion is become more spiritual, by means of my late inward conflicts. Amen. May I always be willing that God should use his own methods with me!
Monday, Dec. 13. Joined in prayer with Mr. Bellamy; and found sweetness and composure in parting with him, as he went a journey. Enjoyed some sweetness through the day; and just at night rode down to Woodbury,
Tuesday, Dec. 14. Some perplexity hung on my mind; I was distressed last night and this morning, for the interest of Zion, especially on account of the false appearances of religion, that do but rather breed confusion, especially in some places. I cried to God for help, to enable me to bear testimony against those things, which instead of promoting, do but hinder the progress of vital piety. In the afternoon, rode down to Southbury; and conversed again with my friend about the important affair of his pursuing the work of the ministry; and he appeared much inclined to devote himself to that work, if God should succeed his attempts to qualify himself for so great a work. In the evening I preached from i Thess. iv. 8. He therefore that despiseth, &c. and endeavoured though with tenderness, to undermine false religion. The Lord gave me some assistance; but, however, I seemed so vile, I was ashamed to be seen when I came out of the meeting-house,
Wednesday, Dec. 15. Enjoyed something of God to-day, both in secret and social prayer; but was sensible of much barrenness, and defect in duty, as well as my inability to help myself for the time to come, or to perform the work and business I have to do. Afterwards, felt much of the sweetness of religion, and the tenderness of the gospel-temper. I found a dear love to all mankind, and was much afraid lest some motion of anger or resentment should, some time or other, creep into my heart. Had some comforting soul-refreshing discourse with dear friends, just as we took our leave of each other; and supposed it might be likely we should not meet again till we came to the eternal world * I doubt not, through grace, but that some of us shall have a happy meeting there, and bless God for this season, as well as many others. Amen.
* It had been determined by the commissioners, who employed Mr. BRAIN. IRD as a missionary, that he should go as soon as might be conveniently to the Indians living near the Forks of Delaware river in Pensylvania, and the Indians OR Susquehanneh river ; which being far off, where also he would be exposed to many bardships and dangers, was the occasion of his taking leave of his frıends in this manner.
Thursday, Dec. 16. Rode down to Derby; and had some sweet thoughts on the road : especially on the essence of our salvation by Christ, from those words, Thou shalt call his name Jesus, &c.
Friday, Dec. 17. Spent much time in sweet conversation on spiritual things with dear Mr. Humphreys. Rode to Ripton; spent some time in prayer with dear Christian friends.
Saturday, Dec. 18. Spent much time in prayer in the woods; and seemed raised above the things of the world: my soul was strong in the Lord of hosts; but was sensible of great barrenness.
Lord's day, Dec. 19. At the sacrament of the Lord's supper, I seemed strong in the Lord; and the world, with all its frowns and flatteries, in a great measure disappeared, so that my soul had nothing to do with them: and I felt a disposition to be wholly and for ever the Lord's. In the evening, enjoyed something of the divine presence; had a humbling sense of my vileness, barrenness, and sinfulness. Oh, it wounded me, to think of the misimprovement of time! God be merciful to me a sinner.
Monday, Dec. 20. Spent this day in prayer, reading, and writing; and enjoyed some assistance, especially in correcting some thoughts on a certain subject; but had a mournful sense of my barrenness.
Tuesday, Dec. 21. Had a sense of my insufficiency for any public work and business, as well as to live to God. I rode over to Derby, and preached there. It pleased God to give me very sweet assistance and enlargement, and to enable me to speak with a soft, tender power and energy..We had afterwards a comfortable evening in singing and prayer. God enabled me to pray with as much spirituality and sweetness as I have done for some time: my mind seemed to be unclothed of sense and imagination, and was in a measure let into the immaterial world of spirits. This day was, I trust, through infinite goodness, made very profitable to a number of us, to advance our souls in holiness and conformity to God: the glory be to him for ever, Amen. How blessed it is to grow more and more like God.
Wednesday, Dec. 22. Enjoyed some assistance in preaching at Ripton; but my soul mourned within me for
Thursday, Dec. 23. Enjoyed, I trust, something of God this morning in secret. Oh how divinely sweet is it to come