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for indwelling corruption, and I mourned like a dove. I felt, that all my unhappiness arose from my being a sinner. With resignation I could bid welcome to all other trials ; but sin hung heavy upon me ; for God discovered to me the corruption of my heart. I went to bed with a heavy heart, because I was a sinner ; though I did not in the least doubt of God's love. that God would purge away muy dross, and take away my tin, and make me seven tiines refined !
Thursday, April 29. Į was kept off at a distance from God ;---but had some enlargement in intercession for precious souls.
Friday, April 30. I was somewhat dejected in spirit : nothing grieves me su much, as that I cannot live constantly to God's glory. I could bear any desertion or spiritual conflicts, if I could but have my heart all the while burning within me with love to God and desires of his glory. But this is impossible; for when I feel these, I cannot be dejected in my soul, but only rejoice in my Saviour, who has delivered me from the reigning power, and will shortly deliver me from the indwelling of sin.
Saturday, May 1. I was enabled to cry to God with fervency for ministerial qualifications, that he would appear for the advancement of his own kingdom, and that he would bring in the Heathen, &c. Had much assistance in my studies. This has been a profitable week to me; I have enjoyed many communications of the blessed Spirit in my soul.
Lord's day, May 2. God was pleased this morning to give me such a sight of myself, as made me appear very vile in my own eyes. I felt corruption stirring in my heart, which I could by no means suppress ; felt more and more deserted; was exceeding weak, and almost sick with my inward trials.
Monday, May 3. Had a sense of vile ingratitude. In the morning I withdrew to my usual place of retirement, and mourned for my abuse of my dear Lord : spent the day in fasting and prayer. God gave me much power of wrestling for his cause and kingdom; and it was a happy day to my spul. God was with me all the day, and I was more above the world, than ever in my life.
Through the remaining part of this weck, he complains almost every day of desertion, inward trials and conflicts, attended with dejection of spirit; but yet speaks of times of relief and sweetness, and daily refreshing visits of the divine Spirit, affording special assistance and comfort, and enabling, at some times, tu inach fervency and enlargement in religious duties,
Lord's day, May 9. I think I never felt so much of the cursed pride of my heart, as well as the stubbornness of my will before. Oh dreadful! what a vile wretch I am! I could not submit to be nothing, and to lie down in the dust. Oh that God would humble me in the dust! I felt myself such a sinner, all day, that I had scarce any comfort. Oh when shall I be delivered from the body of this death! I greatly feared, lest through stupidity and carelessness I should lose the benefit of these trials. O that they might be sanctified to to my soul! Nothing seemed to touch me but only this, that I was a sinner.-Had fervency and refreshment in social prayer in the evening
Monday, May 10. I rode to New-Haven ; saw some christian friends there; and had comfort in joining in prayer with them, and hearing of the goodness of God to them, since I Jast saw them.
Tuesday, May 11. I rode from New-Haven to Weathersfield; was very dull most of the day; had little spirituality in this journey, though I often longed to be alone with God; was much perplexed with vile thoughts; was sometimes afraid of every thing: but God was my helper.-Catched a little time for retirement in the evening, to my comfort and rejoicing. Alas ! I cannot live in the midst of a tumult. I long to enjoy God alone.
Wednesday, May 12. I had a distressing view of the pride, enmity, and vileness of my heart.--- Afterwards had sweet refreshment in conversing, and worshipping God, with Chris. tian friends.
Thursday, May 13. Saw so much of the wickedness of my heart, that I longed to get away from myself. I never before thought there was so much spiritual pride in my soul. I felt almost pressed to death with my own vileness. Oh what a body of death is there in me! Lord, deliver my soul. I could not find any convenient place for retirement, and was greatly exercised.-Rode to Hartford in the afternoon: had some refreshment and comfort in religious exercises with Christian friends ; but longed for more retirement. O the closest walk with God is the sweetest heaven that can be enjoyed on earth!
Friday, May 14. I waited on a council of ministers convened at Hartford, and spread before them the treatment I had met with from the rector and tutors of Yale College ; who thought it adviseable to intercede for me with the rector and trustees, and to intreat them to restore me to my former
privileges in college *.–After this, spent some time in religious exercises with christian friends.
Saturday, May 15. I rode from Hartford to Hebron ; was somewhat dejected on the road; appeared exceeding vile in my own eyes, saw much pride and stubbornness in my heart. Indeed I never saw such a week as this before; for I have been almost ready to die with the view of the wickedness of my beart. I could not have thought I had such a body of death in me. Oh that God would deliver my soul !
The three next days (which he spent at Hebron, Lebanon, and Norwich) he complains still of dulness and desertion, and expresses a sense of his vileDess, and longing to hide himself in some case or den of the earth : but yet speaks of some intervals of comfort and soul-refreshment each day.
IVednesday, May 19. (At Millington) I was so amazingly deserted this morning, that I seemed to feel a sort of horror in my soul. Alas! when God withdraws, what is there that can afford any comfort to the soul!
Through the eight days next following, he expresses more calmness and comfort, and considerable life, fervency, and sweetness in religion.
Friday, May 28. (At New-Haven) I think I scarce ever felt so calm in my life; I rejoiced in resignation, and giving myself up to God, to be wholly and entirely devoted to him
On the three following days, there was, by the account he gives, a con• tinuance of the same excellent frame of mind, last expressed : but it seems not to be altogether to so great a degree.
Tuesday, June 1. Had much of the presence of God in family-prayer, and had some comfort in secret. I was greatly refreshed from the word of God this morning, which appear. ed exceeding sweet to me: some things that appeared niysterions, were opened to me. Othat the kingdom of the dear Saviour might come with power, and the healing waters of the sanctuary spread far and wide for the healing of the nations !-Came to Ripton; but was very weak. However, being visited by a number of young people in the evening, I prayed with them.
The remaining part of this week, he speaks of being much diverted and hindered in the business of religion, by great weakness of body, and necessary affairs he had to attend; and complains of having but liule power in re
* The application which was then made on his behalf, had not the desired suc. CSS.
ligion ; but signifies, that God hereby shewed him, he was like a helpless infant cast out in the open field.
Lord's day, June 6. I feel much deserted : but all this teaches me my nothingness and vileness more than ever.
Monday, June 7. Felt still powerless in secret prayer, Afterwards I prayed and conversed with some little life. God feeds me with crumbs: blessed be his name for any thing. I felt a great desire, that all God's people might know how mean and little and vile I am ; tbat they might see I am nothing, that so they may pray for me aright, and not have the least dependence upon me.
Tuesday, June 8. I enjoyed one sweet and precious season this day : I never felt it so sweet to be nothing, and less than nothing, and to be accounted nothing.
The three next days he complains of desertion, and want of fervency in religion ; but yet his diary shews that every day his heart was engaged in reJigiou, as bis greul, aod, as it were, only business.
Saturday, June 12. Spent much time in prayer this morning, and enjoyed much sweetness :-Felt insatiable longings after God inuch of the day. I wondered how poor souls do to live, that bave no God.—The world, with all its enjoyments, quite vanished. I see myself very helpless : but I have a blessed God to go to. I longed exceedingly to be dissolved, and to be with Christ, to behold his glory. Oh, my weak, weary soul longs to arrive at my Father's house !
Lord's day, June 13. Felt something calm and resigned in the public worship : at the sacrament saw myself very vile and worthless. () that I may always lie low in the dust. My soul seemned steadily to go forth after God, in longing desires to live
Monday, June 14. Felt something of the sweetness of cominunion with God, and the constraining force of his love : :how admirably it captivates the soul, and makes all the desires and ailections to centre in God !- I set apart this day for secret fasting and prayer, to intreat God to direct and bless me with regard to the great work I have in view, of preaching the gospel; and that the Lord would return to me, and shew me the light of his countenance. Had little life and power in the forenoon: near the middle of the afternoon, God enabled me to wrestle ardently in intercession for absent friends :but just at night, the Lord visited me narvellously in prayer : I think my soul never was in such an agony before. I felt no restraint ; for the treasures of divine grace were opened to
me. I wrestled for absent friends, for the ingathering of souls, for multitudes of poor souls, and for many that I thought were the children of God, personally, in many distant places. I was in such an agony, from sun half an hour high, till near dark, that I was all over wet with sweat; but yet it seemed to me that I had wasted away the day, and had done nothing. Oh, my dear Jesus did sweat blood for poor souls! I longed for more compassion towards them.-Felt still in a sweet frame, under a sense of divine love and grace; and went to bed in such a frame, with my heart set on God.
Tuesday, June 15. Had the most ardent longings after God, that ever I felt in my life : at noon, in my secret retirement, I could do nothing but tell my dear Lord, in a sweet ealm, that he knew I longed for nothing but himself, nothing but holiness; that he had given me these desires, and he only could give me the thing desired. I never seeined to be so unkinged from myself, and to be so wholly deroted to God. My lieart was swallowed up in God most of the day. In the evening I bad such a view of the soul being as it were enlarged, to contain more holiness, that it seemed ready to separate from my body. I then wrestled in an agony for divine blessings; had my heart drawn out in prayer for some Christian friends, beyond what I ever had before. I feel differently now from whatever I did under any enjoyments before; more engaged to live-to God for ever, and less pleased with my own frames. I am not satisfied with my frames, nor feel at all more easy after such strugglings than before; for it seems far too little, if I could always be so. Oh how short do I fall of my duty in my sweetest moments!
In bis diary for the two next days, he expresses something or the sanie frame, but in a far less degree *.
Friday, June 19. Considering my great unfitness for the work of the ministry, my present deadness, and total inability to do any thing for the glory of God that way, feeling myself very helpless, and at a great loss what the Lord would have me to do ; I set apart this day for prayer to God, and spent most of the day in that duty, but amazingly deserted most of the day. Yet I found God graciously near, once in particular; while I
* Here end the so first pages of the third volume of his diary, which he speaks of in the beginning of tlus volume, (as observed before) as containing a sperimen of his ordinery manner of living, through the whole space of time, from ite beginning of those i wu rolu:nes that were destroyed.