"I will not listen!" said the Justice.

"What have you to

observe relative to burning Augustus Dormouse?" "This," resumed Fitz-Butter. "Accidentally, I encountered the prone body of the individual responding to the appellation of Augustus Dormouse. Him I had never seen before, and therefore not examined. Now, was the sleeper combustible, or was he not? Is he-a salamander, and can stand fire? With the thought, instantly I produce my sun-glass. His back is exposed-his shirt being torn between the shoulders; -I drew a focus on the exposed skin. I lay my tablets on the grass, in readiness to record any important and wonderful discovery I may make. But the sleeper stirs in his sleephe is combustible-he wakes, and stares with bestial rage upon Upon me-a philosopher! Nay, more; he complains to the police, he causes my arrest, he heaps upon me the disgrace of a public exhibition and a penal trial! What does he not deserve? I appeal to your honor, what does he not deserve! Punish the Vandal, Recorder, to the utmost extent the laws of the country and your official oath will permit?"

me.

DOG DAYS--HOOD.

Most doggedly I do maintain,
And hold the dogma true,-
That four-legg'd dogs altho' we see,
We've some that walk on two.

Among them there are clever dogs;
A few you'd reckon mad;
While some are very jolly dogs,
And others very sad.

You've heard of Dogs, who, early taught,

Catch halfpence in the mouth ;

But we've a long-tail'd Irish Dog,
With feats of larger growth.

Of Dogs who merely halfpence snatch
The admiration ceases,

For he grows saucy, sleek, and fat,
By swallowing penny-pieces!

He's practising some other feats,
Which time will soon reveal;
One is, to squeeze an Orange flat,
And strip it of its Peel.

The next he'll find a toughish job
For one so far in years;

He wants to pull an old House down,
That's now propp'd up by Peers.

I've heard of physic thrown to dogs,
much incline

And very

To think it true, for we 've a pack,
Who only bark and w(h)ine.

The Turnspit of the sad old days
Is vain enough to boast,
Altho' his "occupation 's gone,"
He still could rule the roast.

But turnspits now are out of date,-
We all despise the hack,

And in the kitchen of the state
We still prefer a Jack.

A COURT AUDIENCE.-ANON.

OLD South, a witty churchman reckon'd,
Was preaching once to Charles the Second,
But much too serious for a court

Who at all preaching made a sport.

He soon perceived his audience nod,
Deaf to the zealous man of God!
The doctor stopp'd; began to call,
"Pray 'wake the earl of Lauderdale.
My lord! why, 'tis a monstrous thing!
You snore so loud-you'll 'wake the King."

THE KING'S VISIT TO A CATHEDRAL-WOLCOT

SOMETIMES great kings will condescend
A little with their subjects to unbend!
An instance take:-A king of this great land,
In days of yore, we understand,

Did visit Sal'sbury's old church so fair:

An earl of Pembroke was the monarch's guide;
Incog. they travell'd, shuffling side by side.
And into the cathedral stole the pair.

The verger met them in his blue silk gown,
And humbly bow'd his neck with rev'rence down,
Low as an ass to lick a lock of hay:

Looking the frighted verger through and through, All with his eye-glass-" Well sir, who are you? “What, what, sir ?—hey, sir?" deigned the king to say.

"I am the verger here most mighty king: In this cathedral I do ev'ry thing;

Sweep it, an't please ye, sir, and keep it clean."

"Hey? verger! verger!-you the verger? hey?" "Yes, please your glorious majesty I be," The verger answer'd, with the mildest mien.

Then turn'd the king towards the peer,

And wink'd and laugh'd; then whisper'd in his ear,
Hey, hey-what, what-fine fellow, 'pon my word :

I'll knight him, knight him, knight him-hey, my lord?"

11

Then with his glass, as hard as eye could strain,
He kenn'd the trembling verger o'er again.

"He's a poor verger, sire," his lordship cry'd:
"Sixpence would handsomely requite him."

"Poor verger, verger, hey ?" the king reply'd :

"No, no, then, we won't knight him-no, won't knight him."

Now to the lofty roof the king did raise

His glass, and skipp'd it o'er with sounds of praise;
For thus his marv'ling majesty did speak:
"Fine roof this, master verger, quite complete ;
High-high and lofty too, and clean and neat:

What, verger, what? mop, mop it once a week?"

"An't please your majesty," with marv'ling chops,
The
verger answer'd, we have got no mops,

66

In Sal'sb'ry that will reach so high."
"Not mop, no, no, not mop it," quoth the king-
"No, sir, our Sal'sb'ry mops do no such thing;
They might as well pretend to scrub the sky."

THE DOCTOR AND HIS APPRENTICE.-ANON.

A PUPIL of the Esculapian school
Was just prepar'd to quit his master's rule;
Not that he knew his trade, as it appears,
But that he then had learnt it seven years.

Yet think not that in knowledge he was cheated—
All that he had to study still,

Was, when a man was well or ill,

And how, if sick, he should be treated.

One morn he thus address'd his master-
"Dear sir, my honor'd father bids me say,
If I could now and then a visit pay,

He thinks, with you,

To notice how you do,

My bus'ness I might learn a little faster."

"The thought is happy," the preceptor cries;
"A better method he could scarce devise;
So Bob, (his pupil's name) it shall be so,
And when I next pay visits you shall go."

To bring that hour, alas! time briskly fled:
With dire intent,

Away they went,

And now behold them at a patient's bed.

The master-doctor solemnly perus'd

His victim's face, and o'er his symptoms mus'd; Look'd wise, said nothing-an unerring way, When people nothing have to say:

Then felt his pulse, and smelt his cane,
And paus'd and blink'd, and smelt again,
And briefly of his corps perform each motion:
Manoeuvres that for death's platoon are meant,
A kind of a make ready and present,
Before the fell discharge of pill and potion.

At length the patient's wife he thus address'd:
"Madam, your husband's danger's great;
And (what will never his complaint abate)
The man's been eating oysters I perceive,"
"Dear! you're a witch, I verily believe,”
Madam replied, and to the truth confess'd.

Skill so prodigious Bobby too admir'd ;
And home returning, of the sage inquir'd
How these same oysters came into his head;
"Psha! my dear Bob, the thing was plain-
Sure that can ne'er distress thy brain:
I saw the shells lie underneath the bed!"