Enter Footman.

Foot. Madam, my master desiresLady Lure. Hold, hold, fellow! for Gad's sake, nold! If thou touch my clothes with that tobaccobreath of thine, I shall poison the whole drawingroom! Stand at the door pray, and speak.

[Footman goes to the door and speaks. Foot. My master, madam, desires

Lady Lure. Oh, hideous!-Now the rascal bellows so loud that he tears my head to pieces![To Chambermaid.] Here, Awkwardness, go take the booby's message, and bring it to me.

[Chambermaid goes to the door, whispers, and returns. Cham. My master desires to know how your ladyship rested last night, and if you are pleased to admit of a visit this morning.

Lady Lure. Ay.-[Exeunt Chambermaid and Footman.] Why, this is civil! 'Tis an insupportable toil, though, for women of quality to model their husbands to good breeding.

Enter Colonel STANDARD.

Stand. Good-morrow, my dearest angel! how have you rested last night?

Lady Lure. Lard, Lard, colonel! what a room have you made me here with your dirty feet !— Bless me, sir! will you never be reclaimed from your slovenly campaign-airs? 'Tis the most unmannerly thing in nature to make a sliding-bow in a lady's chamber with dirty shoes; it writes rudeness upon the boards!

Stand. Aside.] A very odd kind of reception this, truly!—[Aloud.] I'm very sorry, madam, that the offences of my feet should create an aversion to my company but for the future, I shall honour your ladyship's apartment as the Sepulchre at Jerusalem, and always come in barefoot.

Lady Lure. Sepulchre at Jerusalem! your compliment, sir, is very far-fetched. But your feet indeed have a very travelling air.

Stand. Come, come, my dear, no serious disputes upon trifles; since you know I never contend with you in matters of consequence. You are still mistress of your fortune, and marriage has only made you more absolute in your pleasure, by adding one faithful servant to your desires.-Come, clear your brow of that uneasy chagrin, and let that pleasing air take place that first ensnared my heart! I have invited some gentlemen to dinner, whose friendships deserve a welcome look. Let their entertainment show how blessed you have made me, by a plentiful fortune and the love of so agreeable a creature.

Lady Lure. Your friends. I suppose, are all men of quality?

Stand. Madam. they are officers, and men of honour.

Lady Lure. Officers, and men of honour! that is, they will daub the stairs with their feet, stain all the rooms with their wine, talk bawdy to my woman, rail at the parliament, then at one another, fall to cutting of throats, and break all my china.

Stand. Admitting that I kept such company, 'tis unkind in you, madam, to talk so severely of my friends. But my brother, my dear, is just come from his voyage, and will be here to pay his respects to you.

Lady Lure. Sir, I shall not be at leisure to entertain a person of his Wapping education, I can Assure you.

Enter PARLY, and whispers Lady LUREWELL Sir, I have some business with my woman; you may entertain your sea-monster by yourself; you may command a dish of pork and pease, with a bowl of punch, I suppose; and so, sir, much good may do you.-Come, Parly. [Exit with PARLY. Stand. Hell and furies!

Enter Captain FIREBALL

Fire. With all my heart.- Where's your wife, brother?-How now, man, what's the matter?— Is dinner ready?

Stand. No.-I don't know.-Hang it, I'm sorry that I invited you: for you must know that my wife is very much out of order; taken dangerously ill of a sudden. So that

Fire. Psha! nothing, nothing but a marriage qualm; breeding children, or breeding mischief. Where is she, man? Prithee let me see her; I long to see this fine lady you have got.

Stund. Upon my word she's very ill, and can't see anybody.

Fire. So ill that she can't see anybody! What, she's not in labour sure! I tell you, I will see her. Where is she? [Looking about. Stand. No, no, brother; she's gone abroad to take the air.

Fire. What the devil! dangerous sick, and gone out! So sick that she'll see nobody within, yet gone abroad to see all the world!-Ay, you have made your fortunes with a vengeance-Then, brother, you shall dine with me at Locket's; I hate these family-dinners, where a man's obliged to, O Lard, madam!-No apology, dear sir!-Tis very good indeed, madam !-For yourself, dear madam! -Where, between the rubbed floor under foot, the china in one corner, and the glasses in another, a man can't make two strides without hazard of his life. Commend me to a boy and a bell; Coming, coming, sir! Much noise, no attendance, and a dirty room, where I may eat like a horse, drink like a fish, and swear like a devil. Hang your family dinners! come along with me.

Enter BANTER, who seeing them, seems to retire. Stand. Who's that? Come in, sir. Your business, pray sir?

Ban. Perhaps, sir, it may not be so proper to inform you; for you appear to be as great a stranger here as myself.

Fire. Come, come away, brother; he has some business with your wife.

Ban. His wife! Gadso! a pretty fellow, a very pretty fellow, a likely fellow, and a handsome fellow; I find nothing like a monster about him; I would fain see his forehead though.-Sir, your humble servant.

Stand. Yours, sir.-But why d'ye stare so in my face?

Ban. I was told, sir, that the lady Lurewell's husband had something very remarkable over his eyes, by which he might be known. Fire. Mark that, brother!

[Aside to Colonel STANDARD Stand. Your information, sir, was right; I have a cross cut over my left eye that's very remarkable. But pray, sir, by what marks are you to be known?

Ban. Sir, I am dignified and distinguished by the name and title of beau Banter; I'm younger brother to sir Harry Wildair; and I hope to inherit

his estate with his humour; for his wife, I'm told, is dead, and has left no child.

Stand. Oh, sir! I'm your very humble servant; you're not unlike your brother in the face; but methinks, sir, you don't become his humour altogether so well; for what's nature in him looks like affectation in you.

Ban. Oh, Lard, sir! 'tis rather nature in me what is acquired by him; he's beholding to his education for his air. Now where d'ye think my humour was established?

Stand. Where?

Ban. At Oxford.

Stand. Fire. At Oxford!

Ban. Ay; there have I been sucking my dear Alma Mater these seven years: yet, in defiance to legs of mutton, small beer, crabbed books, and sour-faced doctors, I can dance a minuet, court a mistress, play at picquet, or make a paroli, with any Wildair in Christendom. In short, sir, in spite of the university, I'm a pretty gentleman.Colonel, where's your wife?

Fire. [Mimicking BANTER.] In spite of the university I'm a pretty gentleman;-then, Colonel, where is your wife?-Hark ye, young Plato, whether would you have your nose slit or your ears cut?

Ban. First tell me, sir, which will you choose, to be run through the body, or shot through the head?

Fire. Follow me, and I'll tell ye.

Ban. Sir, my servants shall attend ye, if you have no equipage of your own.

Fire. Blood, sir!

Stand. Hold, brother, hold! he's a boy.

Ban. Look ye, sir, I keep half-a-dozen footmen that have no business upon earth but to answer impertinent questions; now, sir, if your fighting stomach can digest these six brawny fellows for a breakfast, their master, perhaps, may do you the favour to run you through the body for a dinner.

Fire. Sirrah, will you fight me? I received just now six months' pay, and by this light, I'll give you the half on't for one fair blow at your scull.

Ban. Down with your money, sir.

Stand. No, no, brother; if you are so free of your pay, get into the next room, there you'll find some company at cards, I suppose; you may find opportunity for your revenge; my house protects him

now.

[Exit.

Fire. Well, sir, the time will come. Ban. Well said, brazen-head! Stand. I hope, sir, you'll excuse the freedom of this gentleman; his education has been among the boisterous elements, the wind and waves.

Ban. Sir, I value neither him, nor his wind and waves neither; I'm privileged to be very impertinent, being an Oxonian, and obliged to fight no man, being a beau.

Stand. I admire the freedom of your condition. -But, pray, sir, have you seen your brother since he came last over?

Ban. I han't seen my brother these seven years, and scarcely heard from him but by report of others. About a month ago he was pleased to honour me with a letter from Paris, importing his design of being in London very soon, with a desire of meeting me here. Upon this, I changed my cap and gown for a long wig and sword, and came up to London to attend him, went to his house, but

that was all in sables for the death of his wife; there I was told, that he designed to change his habitation, because he would avoid all remembrances that might disturb his quiet. You are the first person that has told me of his arrival, and I expect that you may likewise inform me where to wait on him.

Stand. And I suppose, sir, this was the business that occasioned me the honour of this visit?

Ban. Partly this, and partly an affair of greater consequence. You must know, sir, that though I have read ten thousand lies in the university, yet I have learned to speak the truth myself; and to deal plainly with you, the honour of this visit, as you were pleased to term it, was designed to the larly Lurewell.

Stand. My wife, sir!

Ban. My lady Lurewell, I say, sir.

Stand. But I say my wife, sir.-What!—

Ban. Why, look ye, sir; you may have the honour of being called the lady Lurewell's husband; but you will never find in any author, either ancient or modern, that she's called Mr. Standard's wife. 'Tis true, you're a handsome young fellow : she liked you, she married you; and though the priest made you both one flesh, yet there's no small distinction in your blood. You are still a disbanded colonel, and she is still a woman of quality, I take it.

Stand. And you are the most impudent young fellow I ever met with in all my life, I take it. Ban. Sir, I'm a master of arts, and I plead the privilege of my standing.

Enter Footman, and whispers BANTER. Foot. Sir, the gentleman in the coach below says, he'll be gone unless you come presently.

[Exit.

Ban. I had forgot.-Colonel, your humble ser

vant.

Stand. Sir, you must excuse me for not waiting on you downstairs.-[Exit BANTER.] An impudent [Exit. young dog.

SCENE II.-Another Room in the same. Enter Lady LUREWELL, Ladies, Marquis, and Captain FIREBALL, as losing gamesters, one after another, tearing PARLY their cards, and flinging them about the room. and several Footmen attending.

Lady Lure. Ruined! undone ! destroyed! 1 Lady. O Fortune! Fortune! Fortune! 2 Lady. What will my husband say? Marq. Oh malheur ! malheur! malheur ! Fire. Blood and fire, I have lost six months'

pay!

Marq. A hundred and ten pistoles, sink me! Fire. Sink you! sink me, that have lost two hundred and ten pistoles.-Sink you, indeed!

Lady Lure. But why would you hazard the bank upon one card?

Marq. Because me had lose by de card tree times before.-Look, dere madame, de very next card had been our. On morbleu ! que ça ? Lady Lure. I relied altogether on your setting the cards; you used to taillé with success.

Marq. Morbleu, madame! me nevre lose before: but that monsieur sir Arry, dat chevalier Wildair is de devil.-Vere is de chevalier?

Lady Lure. Counting our money within yonder.

Go, go, begone! and bethink yourself of some revenge. [Exit Marquis.] Here he comes.

Enter Sir HARRY WILDAIR.

Sir Har. Fifteen hundred and seventy louisd'ors-Tall dall de rall.- [Sings.] Look ye, gentlemen, any body may dance to this tune;-tall dall de rall. I dance to the tune of fifteen hundred pound, the most elevated piece of music that ever I heard in my life; they are the prettiest castanets in the world.-[Chinks the money.] Here, waiters, there's cards and candles for you.-[Gives the Footmen money.] Mrs. Parly,-here's hoods and scarfs for you. [Gives her money.-Exeunt PARLY and Footmen.] And here's fine coaches, splendid equipage, lovely women, and victorious burgundy for me.-Oh, ye charming angels! the loser's sorrow and the gainer's joy: get ye into my pocket.-Now, gentlemen and ladies, I am your humble servant.-You'll excuse me, I hope; the small devotion here that I pay to my good fortune. -How now! mute!-Why, ladies, I know that losers have leave to speak; but I don't find that they're privileged to be dumb.-Monsieur ! ladies! captain! [Claps Captain FIREBALL on the shoulder. Fire. Death and hell! why d'ye strike me, sir? [Drawing. Sir Har. To comfort you, sir.-Your ear, captain. The king of Spain is dead.

Fire. The king of Spain dead!

Sir Har. Dead as Julius Cæsar; I had a letter on't just now.

Fire. Tall dall de rall!-[Sings.] Look ye, sir, pray strike me again if you please.-See here, sir, you have left me but one solitary guinea in the world.-[Puts it in his mouth.] Down it goes i'faith-Allons for the Thatched House and the Mediterranean !-Tall dall de rall!

[Exit singing.

And can transform to gold whate'er they please.
The lawyer's tongue, the soldier's sword,
The courtier's flattery, and the merchant's trade,
Are slaves that dig the golden mines for you.
Your eyes untie the miser's knotted purse.

[To one Lady. Melt into coin the magistrate's massy chain. Youth mints for you hereditary lands.

[To another Lady. And gamesters only win when they can lose to you. [To Lady LUREwell. -This luck is the most rhetorical thing in nature! Lady Lure. I have a great mind to forswear cards as long as I live.

1 Lady. And I.

2 Lady. And I.

[Exit. [Exit crying.

Sir Har. What, forswear cards! why, madam, you'll ruin our trade.-I'll maintain, that the money at court circulates more by the bassetbank, than the wealth of the merchants by the bank of the city.

Cards! the great ministers of Fortune's power; That blindly shuffle out her thoughtless favours, And make a knave more powerful than a king.

What adoration do these powers receive

[Lifting up a card. |

From the bright hands and fingers of the fair,
Always lift up to pay devotion here!

And then the pleasing fears, the anxious hopes,
And dubious joy that entertain our mind!—

The capot at picquet, the paroli at basset ;-and then ombre who can resist the charms of matadores?

Lady Lure. Ay, sir Harry; and then the Sept le va! Quinze le va! and Trente le va! Sir Har. Right, right, madam!

Lady Lure. Then the nine of diamonds at comet, three fives at cribbage, and pam in lanteraloo, sir Harry!

Sir Har. Ay, madam, these are charms indeed. Then the pleasure of picking your husband's pocket overnight to play at basset next day! Then the advantage a fine gentleman may make of a lady's necessity, by gaining a favour for fifty pistoles, which a hundred years' courtship could never have produced.

Lady Lure. Nay nay, sir Harry, that's foul play. Sir Har. Nay, nay, madam, 'tis nothing but the game; and I have played it so in France a hundred

times.

Lady Lure. Come, come, sir, no more on't. I'll tell you in three words, that rather than forego my cards, I'll forswear my visits, fashions, my monkey, friends, and relations.

Sir Har. There spoke the spirit of true-born English quality, with a true French education!

Lady Lure. Look ye, sir Harry, I am well-born, and I was well bred; I brought my husband a large fortune; he shall mortgage, or I will elope.

Sir Har. No, no, madam! there's no occasion for that. See here, madam !

Lady Lure. What, the singing-birds, sir Harry! Let me see.

Sir Har. Pugh, madam, these are but a few!— But I could wish, de tout mon cœur pour quelque commodité, where I might be handsomely plundered of 'em.

Lady Lure. Ah, chevalier, toujours obligeant, engageant, et tout ça !

Sir Har. Allons, allons, madame! tout à votre service. [Pulls her. Lady Lure. No, no, sir Harry, not at this time o' day; you shall hear from me in the evening.

Sir Har. Then, madam, I'll leave you something to entertain you the while. 'Tis a French pocket-book, with some remarks of my own upon the new way of making love. Please to peruse it, and give me your opinion in the evening.

[Exit.

Lady Lure. [Opening the book.] A French pocket-book, with remarks upon the new way of making love! Then sir Harry is turning author, I find. What's here?-Hi! hi! hi! a bank-bill for a hundred pound.-The new way of making love!-Pardie, c'est fort galant!-One of the prettiest remarks that ever I saw in all my life! Well now, that Wildair's a charming fellow.-Hi! hi! hi!-He has such an air, and such a turn in what he does! I warrant now, there's a hundred homebred blockheads would come-Madam, I'll give you a hundred guineas if you'll let me-Faugh! hang their nauseous immodest proceedings !--Here's a hundred pound now, and he never names the thing I love an impudent action with an air of modesty with all my heart. [Exit.

SCENE I.-A Room in Colonel STANDARD'S

House.

Lady LUREWELL and Marquis.

Lady Lure. Well, monsieur, and have you thought how to retaliate your ill fortune?

Marq. Madame, I have tought dat Fortune be one blind bitch. Why should Fortune be kinder to de Anglis chevalier dan to de France marquis? Ave I not de bon grace? Ave I not de personage? Ave I not de understanding? Can de Anglis chevalier dance bettre dan I? lier fence bettre dan I? play basset bettre dan I? be kinder to de Anglis marquis?

Can de Anglis chevaCan de Anglis chevalier Den why should Fortune chevalier dan de France

Lady Lure. Why? because Fortune is blind. Marq. Blind yes begar, and dumb and deaf too. Vell den, Fortune give de Anglisman de riches, but nature give de Franceman de politique to correct de unequal distribution.

Lady Lure. But how can you correct it, monsieur ?

Marq. Ecoute, madame. Sir Arry Wildair his vife is dead.

Lady Lure. And what advantage can you make

of that?

Marq. Begar, madame-hi! hi! hi!-de Anglisman's dead vife sall cuckol her husband.

Lady Lure. How, how, sir, a dead woman cuckold her husband!

Marq. Mark, madame. We Francemen make a de distinction between de design and de term of de treaty. She canno touch his head, but she can cuckol his pocket of ten tousan livres.

Lady Lure. Pray explain yourself, sir. Marq. I have sir Arry Wildair his vife in my pocket.

Lady Lure. How, sir Harry's wife in your pocket!

Marq. Hold, madame; dere is an autre distinction between de design and de term of de treaty.

Lady Lure. Pray, sir, no more of your distinctions, but speak plain.

Marq. Wen de Franceman's politique is in his head, dere is noting but distinction upon his tongue. -See here, madame! I ave de picture of sir Arry's vife in my pocket.

Lady Lure. Is't possible?
Marq. Voyez !

Lady Lure. The very same, and finely drawn. Pray, monsieur, how did you purchase it?

Marq. As me did purchase de picture, so me did gain de substance, de dear, dear substance, by de bon mien, de France air, chantant, charmant de politique à la tête, and dançant à la pied.

Lady Lure. Lard bless me! how cunningly some women can play the rogue! Ah.! have I found it out! Now, as I hope for mercy, I'm glad on't. I hate to have any woman more virtuous than myself. Here was such a work with my lady Wildair's piety! my lady Wildair's conduct and my lady Wildair's fidelity, forsooth!-Now, dear monsieur, you have infallibly told me the best news

that I ever heard in my life. Well, and she was but one of us! eh?

Marq. Oh, madam! me no tell tale, me no scandalise de dead; de picture be dumb, de picture say noting.

Lady Lure. Come, come, sir, no more distinctions; I'm sure it was so. I would have given the world for such a story of her while she was living. She was charitable, forsooth! and she was devout, forsooth; and everybody was twitted i' th' teeth with my lady Wildair's reputation: And why don't you mark her behaviour, and her discretion? She goes to church twice a-day.-Ah! I hate these congregation-women. There's such a fuss and such a clutter about their devotion, that it makes more noise than all the bells in the parish.-Well, but what advantage can you make now of the picture?

Marq. De advantage of ten tousand livres, pardie !-Attendez vouz, madame. Dis lady she die at Montpelier in France: I have de broder in dat city dat write me one account dat she die in dat city, and dat she send me dis picture as a legacy, wid a tousand baise-mains to de dear marquis, de charmant marquis, mon cœur le marquis.

Lady Lure. Ay, here was devotion! here was discretion! here was fidelity! Mon cœur le marquis! ha! ha! ha! Well, but how will this procure the money?

Marq. Now, madam, for de France politique. Lady Lure. Ay, what is the French politic? Marq. Never to tell a secret to a voman.— Madame, je suis votre serviteur. [Runs off. Lady Lure. Hold, hold, sir; we shan't part so; I will have it. [Follows.

Enter Colonel STANDARD and Captain FIREBALL. Fire. Ha! Look! look! Look ye there, brother! See how they coquette it! Oh! there's a look! there's a simper! there's a squeeze for you! Ay, now the marquis is at it. Mon cœur, ma foi, pardie, allons!-Don't you see how the French rogue has the head, and the feet, and the hands, and the tongue, all going together?

Stand. [Walking in disorder.] Where's my reason where's my philosophy? where's my religion

now?

Fire. I'll tell you where they are, in your forehead, sir.-Blood! I say, revenge!

Stand. But how, dear brother?

Fire. Why, stab him, stab him now.-Italian. Spaniard, I say.

Stand. Stab him! why, cuckoldom's a hydra that bears a thousand heads; and though I should cut this one off, the monster still would sprout. Must I murder all the fops in the nation? and to save my head from horns, expose my neck to the halter ?

Fire. 'Sdeath, sir, can't you kick and cuff?— Kick one.

Stand. Cane another.

Fire. Cut off the ears of a third.
Stand. Slit the nose of a fourth.
Fire. Tear cravats.

Stand. Burn perukes.
Fire. Shoot their coach-horses,