Mon. Barn. Oh, we shall dispose of them easily enough. Dor. Some of 'em will be here presently; the rest I don't expect till to-morrow morning. Mon. Barn. I hope they're good companions, jolly fellows, that love to eat and drink well? Dor. The merriest, best-natured creatures in the world, sir. Mon. Barn. I'm very glad on't, for 'tis such men I want.-Come, brother, you and I will go and prepare for their reception. [Exit with Monsieur GRIFFARD. Dor. Bless me, what an alteration is here! How my father's temper is changed within these two or three days! Do you know the meaning of it? Col. Why the meaning on't is, ha ha! Dor. Can you tell me the cause of this sudden change, I say? Col. Why the cause on't is, ha ha!- Dor. What do you laugh at, sirrah? do you know? Col. Ha!-Because the old gentleman's a droll, │ that's all. Dor. Sirrah, if I take the cudgel— Col. Nay, sir, don't be angry for a little harmless mirth.-But here are your friends. Enter Messieurs LA GARANTIERE, LA ROSE, and Dor. Gentlemen, you are welcome to Pasty Hall.-See that these gentlemen's horses are taken care of. [Exit COLIN. La Gar. A very fine dwelling this. Dor. Yes, the house is tolerable. La Rose. And a very fine lordship belongs to it. Dor. The land is good. Trof. This house ought to have been mine; for my grandfather sold it to his father, from whom your father purchased it. Dor. Yes, the house has gone through a great many hands. La Gar. A sign there has always been good housekeeping in it. Dor. And I hope there ever will. Re-enter Monsieur BARNARD and Monsieur GRiffard, dressed like Drawers. Mon. Barn. Gentlemen, do you call? will you please to see a room, gentlemen ?-Somebody take off the gentlemen's boots there. Dor. Father! uncle! what is the meaning of this? Mon. Barn. Here, show a room.-Or will you please to walk into the kitchen first, gentlemen, and see what you like for dinner. La Gar. Make no preparation, sir; your own dinner is sufficient. Mon. Barn. Very well, I understand ye. Let's see, how many are there of ye?-[Counting them.] One, two, three, four: well, gentlemen, 'tis but half-a-crown a-piece for yourselves, and sixpence a head for your servants; your dinner shall be ready in half an hour. Here, show the gentlemen into the Apollo. La Rose. What, sir, does your father keep an inn? Mon. Barn. The Sword Royal, at your service, sir. La Gar. Ay, my young squire of the Sword Royal, you shall receive some favours from us! Dor. Dear Monsieur La Garantière ! La Gar. Here, my horse there! [Exeunt Messieurs LA GARANTIERE, LA ROSE, and Dor. Oh, I'm disgraced for ever! Mon. Barn. Now, son, this will teach you how to live. Dor. Your son! I deny the kindred; I'm the son of a whore, and I'll burn your house about | your ears, you old rogue you! Mon. Barn. Ha! ha! [Exit." Mon. Griff. The young gentleman's in a passion. Mon. Barn. They're all gone for all that, and the Sword-Royal's the best general in Christendom. Enter ERASTUS's Servant talking with LISETTA. Lis. What, that tall gentleman I saw in the garden with ye? Serv. The same, he's my master's uncle, and ranger of the king's forests. He intends to leave my master all he has. Mon. Barn. Don't I know this scoundrel ? What, is his master here!-What do you do here, rascal? Serv. I was asking which must be my master's chamber. Mon. Barn. Where is your master? Serv. Above stairs with your wife and daughter; and I want to know where he's to lie, that I may put up his things. Mon. Barn. Do you so, rascal ? Serv. A very handsome inn this.-Here, drawer, fetch me a pint of wine. Mon. Barn. Take that, rascal; do you banter [Kicks him out. us? Enter Madame BARNARD. Mad. Barn. What is the meaning of this, husband? Are not you ashamed to turn your house into an inn?-and is this a dress for my spouse, and a man of your character? Mon. Barn. I'd rather wear this dress than be ruined. Mad. Barn. You're nearer being so than you imagine; for there are some persons within who have it in their power to punish you for your ridiculous folly. Enter ERASTUS, leading in MARIAMNE. Mon. Barn. How, sir, what means this? who sent you here? Erast. It was the luckiest star in your firm.a. ment that sent me here. Mon. Barn. Then I doubt, at my birth, the planets were but in a scurvy disposition. Erast. Killing one of the king's stags, that run hither for refuge, is enough to overturn a fortune much better established than yours. However, sir, if you will consent to give me your daughter, for her sake I will bear you harmless. Mon. Barn. No, sir; no man shall have my daughter, that won't take my house too. Erast. Sir, I will take your house; pay you the full value of it, and you shall remain as much master of it as ever. Mon. Barn. No, sir, that won't do neither; you must be master yourself, and from this minute begin to do the honours of it in your own per son. Erast. Sir, I readily consent. Mon. Barn. Upon that condition, and in order to get rid of my house, here, take my daughter.— And now, sir, if you think you've a hard bargain, I don't care if I toss you in my wife, to make you amends. Well, then since all things thus are fairly sped, [Exeunt omnes. SCENE I.-A Room in UNCLE RICHARD'S House. Enter UNCLE RICHARD. Unc. Rich. What prudent cares does this deep foreseeing nation take for the support of its worshipful families! In order to which, and that they may not fail to be always significant and useful in their country, it is a settled foundation-point that every child that is born shall be a beggar, except one; and that he-shall be a fool. My grandfather was bred a fool, as the country report; my father was & tool, as my mother used to say; my brother was a fool, to my own knowledge, though a great justice of the peace; and he has left a son that will make his son a fool, or I am mistaken. The lad is now fourteen years old, and but just out of his Psalter. As to his honoured father, my muchesteemed nephew-here I have him.-[Takes out a letter.] In this profound epistle (which I have just now received) there is the top and bottom of him. Forty years and two is the age of him; in which it is computed, by his butler, his own person has drank two-and-thirty tun of ale. The rest of his time has been employed in persecuting all the poor four-legged creatures round that would but run away fast enough from him, to give him the high-mettied pleasure of running after them. In this noble employ he has broke his right arm, his left leg, and both his collar-bones. Once he broke his neck, but that did him no harm; a nimble hedge-leaper, a brother of the stirrup, that was by, whipped off his horse and mended it. His estate being left him with two jointures and three weighty mortgages upon it, he, to make all easy, and pay his brother's and sister's portions, married a profuse young housewife for love, with never a penny of money. Having done all this, like his brave ancestors, for the support of the family, he now finds children and interest-money make such a bawling about his ears, that he has taken the friendly advice of his neighbour, the good lord Courtlove, to run his estate two thousand pounds more in debt, that he may retrieve his affairs by being a parliament-man, and bringing his wife to London to play off a hundred pounds at dice with ladies of quality before breakfast. But let me read this wiseacre's letter once over again.-[Reads.] Most honoured uncle, I do not doubt but you have much rejoiced at my success in my election. It has cost me some money, I own; but what of all that! I am a parliament-man, and that will set all to rights. I have lived in the country all my days, 'tis true; but what then! I have made speeches at the sessions, and in the vestry too, and can elsewhere, perhaps, as well as some others that do, and I have a noble friend hard by, who has let me into some small knowledge of what's what at West minster. And so, thut I may be always at hand to serve my country, I have consulted with my wife about taking a house at London, and bringing her and my family up to town; which, her opinion is, will be the rightest thing in the world.-My wife's opinion about bringing her to London !-I'll read no more of thee-beast! [Strikes the letter down with his stick. Enter JAMES hastily. he were viewing the country through a perspectiveglass.-But, sir, if you please, I'll go look after John Moody a little, for fear of accidents; for he never was in London before, you know, but one week, and then he was kidnapped into a house of ill repute, where he exchanged all his money and clothes for a-um! So I'll go look after him, sir. [Exit. Unc. Rich. Nay, I don't doubt but this wise expedition will be attended with more adventures James. Sir, sir! do you hear the news? They than one. This noble head and supporter of his are all a-coming. Unc. Rich. Ay, sirrah, I hear it, with a pox to it! James. Sir, here's John Moody arrived already; he's stumping about the streets in his dirty boots, and asking every man he meets, if they can tell where he may have a good lodging for a parliament-man, till he can hire such a house as becomes him. He tells them his lady and all the family are coming too; and that they are so nobly attended they care not a fig for anybody. Sir, they have added two cart-horses to the four old geldings, because my lady will have it said she came to town in her coach-and-six; and-ha! ha!-heavy George the ploughman rides postilion! Unc. Rich. Very well; the journey begins as it should do.-James! James. Sir! Unc. Rich. Dost know whether they bring all the children with them? James. Only Squire Humphry and Miss Betty, sir; the other six are put to board at half-a-crown a week a head, with Joan Growse at Smoke-dunghill-farm. Unc. Rich. The Lord have mercy upon all good folks! what work will these people make! Dost know when they'll be here ? James. John says, sir, they'd have been here last night, but that the old wheezy-belly horse tired, and the two fore-wheels came crash down at once in Waggonrut-lane. Sir, they were cruelly loaden, as I understand; my lady herself, he says, laid on four mail-trunks, besides the great deal-box, which fat Tom sate upon behind. Unc. Rich. So! James. Then within the coach there was Sir Francis, my lady, the great fat lapdog, Squire Humphry, Miss Betty, my lady's maid, Mrs. Handy, and Doll Tripe the cook; but she puked with sitting backward, so they mounted her into the coach-box. Une. Rich. Very well. family will, as an honest country gentleman, gei credit enough amongst the tradesmen, to run so far in debt in one session, as will make him just fit for a jail when he's dropped at the next election. He will make speeches in the house, to show the government of what importance he can be to them, by which they will see he can be of no importance at all; and he will find, in time, that he stands valued at (if he votes right) being sometimesinvited to dinner! Then his wife (who has ten times more of a jade about her than she yet knows of) will so improve in this rich soil, she will, in one month, learn every vice the finest lady in the town can teach her. She will be extremely courteous to the fops who make love to her in jest, and she will be extremely grateful to those who do it in earnest. She will visit all ladies that will let her into their houses, and she will run in debt to all the shopkeepers that will let her into their books. In short, before her husband has got five pound by a speech at Westminster, she will have lost five hundred at cards and dice in the parish of St. James's.-Wife and family to London with a pox! [Exit. SCENE II.-A Room in Mrs. MOTHERLY'S House. Enter JAMES, and JOHN MOODY. James. Dear John Moody, I am so glad to see you in London once more. John. And I you, dear Mr. James. Give me a kiss. Why that's friendly. James. I wish they had been so, John, that you met with when you were here before. John. Ah-murrain upon all rogues and whores! I say. But I am grown so cunning now, the deel himself can't handle me. I have made a notable bargain for these lodgings here, we are to pay but five pounds a-week, and have all the house to ourselves. James. Where are the people that belong to it to be then? James. Then, sir, for fear of a famine before they should get to the baiting-place, there was such baskets of plum-cake, Dutch-gingerbread, Cheshire-cheese, Naples biscuits, maccaroons, neats'tongues, and cold boiled beef;-and in case of sickness, such bottles of usquebaugh, black-cherry brandy, cinnamon-water, sack, tent, and strong-grigsbeer, as made the old coach crack again. Unc. Rich. Well said! James. And for defence of this good cheer and my lady's little pearl necklace, there was the family basket-hilt sword, the great Turkish cimiter, the old blunderbuss, a good bag of bullets, and a great horn of gunpowder. Unc. Rich. Admirable ! James. Then for bandboxes, they were so bepiled up-to sir Francis's nose, that he could only peep out at a chance hole with one eye, as if John. Oh! there's only the gentlewoman, her two maids, and a cousin, a very pretty, civil young woman truly, and the maids are the merriest James. Have a care, John. John. Oh, fear nothing; we did so play together last night. James. Hush! here comes my master. John. I humbly thank your worship. I'm staut still, and a faithful awd servant to th' family. Heaven prosper aw that belong to't. Unc. Rich. What, they are all upon the road? John. As mony as the awd coach would hauld, sir: the Lord send 'em well to tawn. Unc. Rich. And well out on't again, John, ha! John. Ah, sir! you are a wise man, so am I: home's home, I say. I wish we get any good here. I's sure we ha' got little upo' the road. Some mischief or other aw the day long. Slap! goes one thing, crack! goes another; my lady cries out for driving fast; the awd cattle are for going slow; Roger whips, they stand still and kick; nothing but a sort of a contradiction aw the journey long. My lady would gladly have been here last night, sir, though there were no lodgings got; but her ladyship said, she did naw care for that, she'd lie in the inn where the horses stood, as long as it was in London. Unc. Rich. These ladies, these ladies, John !John. Ah, sir, I have seen a little of 'em, though not so much as my betters. Your worship is naw married yet? Unc. Rich. No, John, no; I am an old bachelor still. John. Heavens bless you, and preserve you, sir. Unc. Rich. I think you have lost your good woman, John? John. No, sir, that have I not; Bridget sticks to me still, sir. She was for coming to London too, but, no, says I, there may be mischief enough done without you. Unc. Rich. Why that was bravely spoken, John, and like a man. John. Sir, were my measter but hafe the mon that I am, gadswookers-though he'll speak stautly too sometimes, but then he canno hawd it; no, he canno hawd it. Enter DEBORAH. Deb. Mr. Moody, Mr. Moody, here's the coach come. John. Already! no sure. Deb. Yes, yes, it's at the door, they are getting out; my mistress is run to receive 'em. John. And so will I, as in duty bound. [Exit with DEBORAH. Unc. Rich. And I will stay here, not being in duty bound to do the honours of this house. Enter Sir FRANCIS HEADPIECE, Lady HEADPIECE, 'Squire HUMPHRY, Miss BETTY, Mrs. HANDY, JOHN MOODY, and Mrs. MOTHERLY. Lady Head. Do you hear, Moody, let all the things be first laid down here, and then carried where they'll be used. John. They shall, an't please your ladyship. Lady Head. What, my Uncle Richard here to receive us! This is kind indeed: sir, I am extremely glad to see you. Unc. Rich. [Salutes her.] Niece, your servant. -[Aside.] I am extremely sorry to see you in the worst place I know in the world for a good woman to grow better in.-[Aloud.] Nephew, I am your servant too; but I don't know how to bid you welcome. Sir Fran. I am sorry for that, sir. Unc. Rich. Nay, 'tis for your own sake: I'm not concerned. Sir Fran. I hope, uncle, I shall give you such weighty reasons for what I have done, as shall convince you I am a prudent man. Unc. Rich. That wilt thou never convince me of, whilst thou shalt live. [Aside. Sir Fran. Here, Humphry, come up to your uncle.-Sir, this is your godson. Squire Hum. Honoured uncle and godfather, I crave leave to ask your blessing. [Kneels. Unc. Rich. [Aside.] Thou art a numskull I see already. [Puts his hand on his head.] There, thou hast it. And if it will do thee any good, may it be to make thee, at least, as wise a man as thy father. Lady Head. Miss Betty, don't you see your Uncle ? Unc. Rich. And for thee, my dear, mayst thou be, at least, as good a woman as thy mother. Miss Bet. I wish I may ever be so handsome, sir. Unc. Rich. Ha! Miss Pert! now that's a thought that seems to have been hatched in the girl on this side Highgate. [Aside. Sir Fran. Her tongue is a little nimble, sir. Lady Head. That's only from her country education, sir Francis, she has been kept there too long; I therefore brought her to London, sir, to learn more reserve and modesty. Unc. Rich. Oh, the best place in the world for it! Every woman she meets will teach her something of it. There's the good gentlewoman of the house looks like a knowing person, even she perhaps will be so good to read her a lesson, now and then, upon that subject.-[Aside.] An arrant bawd, or I have no skill in physiognomy! Mrs. Moth. Alas, sir, miss won't stand long in need of my poor instructions; if she does, they'll he always at her service. Lady Head. Very obliging indeed, Mrs. Motherly. Sir Fran. Very kind and civil truly; I believe we are got into a mighty good house here. Unc. Rich. [Aside.] For good business very probable.-[Aloud.] Well, niece, your servant for to-night; you have a great deal of affairs upon your hands here, so I won't hinder you. Lady Head. I believe, sir, I shan't have much less every day, while I stay in this town, of one sort or other. Unc. Rich. Why, 'tis a town of much action indeed. Miss Bet. And my mother did not come to it to be idle, sir. Unc. Rich. Nor you neither, I dare say, young mistress. Miss Bet. I hope not, sir. Unc. Rich. Um! miss Mettle.-[Going, Sir FRANCIS following him.] Where are you going, nephew? Sir Fran. Only to attend you to the door, sir. Unc. Rich. Phu! no ceremony with me; you'll find I shall use none with you or your family. Sir Fran. I must do as you command me, sir. [Exit UNCLE RICHARD. Miss Bet. This uncle Richard, papa, seems but a crusty sort of an old fellow. Sir Fran. He is a little odd, child; but you must be very civil to him, for he has a great deal of money, and nobody knows who he may give it to. Lady Head. Phu, a fig for his money! you have so many projects of late about money, since you are a parliament-man, we must make ourselves |