PROLOGUE. CUSTOM, which bids the thief from cart harangue Not having fear of critic 'fore his eyes, son : You he does mean who, for the selfsame fault, Treat rhyming poets worse than Turk would do, But vent your beathenish rage,—hang, draw, and quarter, His Muse will die to-day a fleering martyr; are. Well then, who nothing hopes, needs nothing fear; ACT I. SCENE I.-GRIPE'S House, in the Evening. Enter my Lady FLIPPANT and Mrs. JOYNER. Flip. Not a husband to be had for money!Come, come, I might have been a better housewife for myself, as the world goes now, if I had dealt for an heir with his guardian, uncle, or mother-in-law; and you are no better than a chouse, a cheat. Joyn. I a cheat, madam! Flip. 1 am out of my money, and patience too. Joyn. Do not run out of your patience, whatever you do:-'tis a necessary virtue for a widow without a jointure, in truly. Flip. Vile woman! though my fortune be something wasted, my person's in good repair. If I had not depended on you, I had had a husband before this time. When I gave you the last five pounds Joyn. And I had kept my promise if you had co-operated. Flip. Co-operated! what should I have done? 'Tis well known no woman breathing could use more industry to get her a husband than I have. Has not my husband's 'scutcheon walked as much ground as the citizens' signs since the Fire?-that no quarter of the town might be ignorant of the widow Flippant. Joyn. Tis well known, madam, indeed. Flip. Have I not owned myself (against my stomach) the relict of a citizen, to credit my fortune? Joyn. "Tis confessed, madam, Flip. Have I not constantly kept Covent Garden church, St. Martin's, the playhouses, Hydepark, Mulberry-garden, and all other the public marts where widows and maids are exposed? Joyn. Far be it from me to think you have an aversion to a husband. But why, madam, have you refused so many good offers ? Flip. Good offers, Mrs. Joyner! I'll be sworn I never had an offer since my late husband's. If I had an offer, Mrs. Joyner!—there's the thing, Mrs. Joyner. Joyn. Then your frequent and public detestation of marriage is thought real; and if you have had no offer, there's the thing, madam. Flip. I cannot deny but I always rail against marriage; which is the widow's way to it certainly. Joyn. 'Tis the desperate way of the desperate widows, in truly. Flip. Would you have us as tractable as the wenches that eat oatmeal, and fooled like them too? Joyn. If nobody were wiser than I, I should think, since the widow wants the natural allurement which the virgin has, you ought to give men all other encouragements, in truly. Flip. Therefore, on the contrary, because the widow's fortune (whether supposed or real) is her chiefest bait, the more chary she seems of it, and the more she withdraws it, the more eagerly the busy gaping fry will bite. With us widows, husbands are got like bishopricks, by saying No: and I tell you, a young heir is as shy of a widow as of a rock, to my knowledge. Jyn. I can allege nothing against your practice --but your ill success; and indeed you must use another method with sir Simon Addleplot. Flip. Will he be at your house at the hour? Joyn. He'll be there by ten:-'tis now nine. I'll warrant you he will not fail. Flip. I'll warrant you then I will not fail:-for 'tis more than time I were sped. Joyn. Mr. Dapperwit has not been too busy with you, I hope?-Your experience has taught you to prevent a mischance. Flip. No, no, my mischance (as you call it) is greater than that. I have but three months to reckon, ere I lie down with my port and equipage SCFNE J. LOVE IN A WOOD; OR, ST. JAMES'S PARK. and must be delivered of a woman, a footman, and a coachman -for my coach must down, unless I can get sir Simon to draw with me. all. Joyn. He will pair with you exactly if I know [Aside. Flip. Ah, Mrs. Joyner, nothing grieves me like the putting down my coach! For the fine clothes, the fine lodgings,-let 'em go; for a lodging is as unnecessary a thing to a widow that has a coach, as a hat to a man that has a good peruke. For, as you see about town, she is most properly at home in her coach-she eats, and drinks, and sleeps in her coach; and for her visits, she receives them in the playhouse. Joyn. Ay, ay, let the men keep lodgings, as you say, madam, if they will. Enter behind, at one door, GRIPE and Sir SIMON ADDLEPLOT, the latter in the dress of a Clerk; at the other, Mrs. MARTHA. Flip. Do you think if things had been with me as they have been, I would ever have housed with this counter-fashion brother of mine, (who hates a vest as much as a surplice,) to have my patches assaulted every day at dinner, my freedom censured, and my visitants shut out of doors? - Poor Mr. Dapperwit cannot be admitted. Joyn. He knows him too well to keep his acquaintance. Flip. He is a censorious rigid fop, and knows nothing. Gripe. So, so! [Behind. Joyn. [Aside.] Is he here ?-[To my Lady FLIPPANT.] Nay, with your pardon, madam, I must contradict you there. He is a prying commonwealth's-man, an implacable magistrate, a sturdy pillar of his cause, and-[To GRIPE.] But, oh me, is your worship so near then? if I had thought you heard me Gripe. Why, why, Mrs. Joyner, I nave said as much of myself ere now; and without vanity, I >rofess. Joyn. I know your virtue is proof against vainglory; but the truth to your face looks like flattery in your worship's servant. Gripe. No, no; say what you will of me in that kind, far be it from me to suspect you of flattery. Joyn. In truly, your worship knows yourself, and knows me, for I am none of those Flip. [Aside.] Now they are in-Mrs. Joyner, I'll go before to your house, you'll be sure to come after me. Joyn. Immediately.-[Exit FLIPPANT.] But as I was saying, I am none of those Gripe. No, Mrs. Joyner, you cannot sew pillows under folks' elbows; you cannot hold a candle to the devil; you cannot tickle a trout to take him; you Joyn. Lord, how well you do know me indeed! -and you shall see I know your worship as well. You cannot backslide from your principles; you cannot be terrified by the laws; nor bribed to allegiance by office or preferment; you— Gripe. Hold, hold, my praise must not interrupt yours. Joyn. With your worship's pardon, in truly, I must own. Gripe. I am full of your praise, and it will run over. Joyn. Nay, sweet sir, you are Gripe. Nay, sweet Mrs. Joyner, you are- Joyn. I must not be rude with your worship. Gripe. You are a nursing mother to the saints; through you they gather together; through you they fructify and increase; and through you the child cries out of the hand-basket. Joyn. Through you virgins are married, or provided for as well; through you the reprobate's wife is made a saint; and through you the widow is not disconsolate, nor misses her husband. Gripe. Through you Joyn. Indeed you will put me to the blush. Gripe. Blushes are badges of imperfection :— saints have no shame. You are-are the flower of matrons, Mrs. Joyner. Joyn. You are the pink of courteous aldermen. Gripe. You are the muffler of secrecy. Joyn. You are the head-band of justice. Gripe. Thank you, sweet Mrs. Joyner do you think so indeed? You are-you are the bonfire of devotion. Joyn. You are the bellows of zeal. Gripe. You are the cup-board of charity. Gripe. You are the rivet of sanctified love or wedlock. Joyn. You are the picklock and dark-lantern of policy; and, in a word, a conventicle of virtues. Gripe. Your servant, your servant, sweet Mrs. Joyner! you have stopped my mouth. Joyn. Your servant, your servant, sweet alderman! I have nothing to say. Sir Sim. The half-pullet will be cold, sir. Gripe. Mrs. Joyner, you shall: sup with me. Joyn. Indeed I am engaged to supper with some of your man's friends; and I came on purpose to get leave for him too. Gripe. I cannot deny you anything. But I have forgot to tell you what a kind of fellow my sister's Dapperwit is before a full table of the coffeehouse sages, he had the impudence to hold an argument against me in the defence of vests and protections; and therefore I forbid him my house; besides, when he came I was forced to lock up my daughter for fear of him, nay, I think the poor child herself was afraid of him.-Come hither child, were you not afraid of Dapperwit? Mar. Yes indeed, sir, he is a terrible man.Yet I durst meet with him in a piazza at midnight. [Aside. Gripe. He shall never come into my doors again. Mar. Shall Mr. Dapperwit never come hither again then? Gripe. No, child. Mar. I am afraid he will. Gripe. I warrant thee. Joyn. I will to-morrow early; it shall be the first thing I'll do after my prayers. Gripe. If Dapperwit should contaminate herI cannot rest till I have redeemed her from the jaws of that lion.-Good night. Joyn. Good gentleman. [Exeunt GRIPE and MARTHA. Sir Sim. Ha! ha! ha! Mrs. Joyner. Joyn. What's the matter, sir Simon? Sir Sim. Ha! ha! ha!-let us make haste to your house, or I shall burst, faith and troth, to see what fools you and I make of these people. Joyn. I will not rob you of any of the credit:I am but a feeble instrument, you are an engineer. Sir Sim. Remember what you say now when things succeed, and do not tell me then,-I must thank your wit for all. Joyn. No, in truly, sir Simon. Sir Sim. Nay, I am sure Dapperwit and I have been partners in many an intrigue, and he uses to serve me so. Joyn. He is an ill man to intrigue with, as you call it. Sir Sim. Ay, so are all your wits; a pox! if a man's understanding be not so public as theirs, he cannot do a wise action but they go away with the honour of it, if he be of their acquaintance. Joyn. Why do you keep such acquaintance then? Sir Sim. There is a proverb, Mrs. Joyner, You may know him by his company. Joyn. No, no, to be thought a man of parts, you must always keep company with a man of less wit than yourself. Sir Sim. That's the hardest thing in the world for me to do, faith and troth. Joyn. What, to find a man of less wit than yourself? Pardon my raillery, sir Simon. Sir Sim. No, no, I cannot keep company with a fool:-I wonder how men of parts can do't, there's something in't. Joyn. If you could, all your wise actions would be your own, and your money would be your own too. Sir Sim. Nay, faith and troth, that's true; for your wits are plaguily given to borrow. They'll borrow of their wench, coachman, or linkboy, their hire, Mrs. Joyner; Dapperwit has that trick with a vengeance. Sir Sim. Thank you, M throw off Dapperwit's a married, and will only be that's no more than the all is. Joyn. Then you thin Martha ? Sir Sim. Your hundre in your lap. Joyn. But I am afraid should fail: you would s designed upon Mrs. Mar Flippant. Sir Sim. Nay, then, intrigue, faith and troth strings to one's bow. If the widow I put on my Mrs. Martha be kind to J will be false to the widow widows are used to; for seldom kept as a vow m says. Joyn. I am afraid the Sir Sim. You have n your twenty guineas in y into my service, and if quarters, you have a hu widow's, fifty:-happy g be at your house at the Joyn. Yes. Sir Sim. Then you sha Addleplot and myself I'l am Jonas, I look like ar sir Simon Addleplot o an ass by his ingenuity. Joyn. Pardon me, sir Sir Sim. Nay, do no Joyn. Come let us go Sir Sim. I will carry house. Joyn. If she will go. Sir Sim. If she will know a widow refuse lawyer a fee, faith and t No treat, sweet words, That must at length the Joyn. Why will you keep company with him then, I say? for, to be plain with you, you have SCENE II.-The Fren followed him so long, that you are thought but his cully; for every wit has his cully, as every squire his led captain. Sir Sim. I his cully, I his cully, Mrs. Joyner ! Lord, that I should be thought a cully to any wit breathing! Joyn. Nay, do not take it so to heart, for the best wits of the town are but cullies themselves. Sir Sim. To whom, to whom, to whom, Mrs. Joyner? Joyn. To sempstresses and bawds. Sir Sim. To your knowledge Mrs. Joyner.[Aside.] There I was with her. Joyn. To tailors and vintners, but especially to the French houses. Sir Sim. But Dapperwit is a cully to none of them; for he ticks. Joyn. I care not, but I wish you were a cully to pone but me: that's all the hurt I wish you. and Enter VINCENT, RA Dap. Pray, Mr. Ran to-night. Vin. Pray, Mr. Ran wit to-night. Ran. Nay, nay, Vin Vin. A pox! I hate than he does the hones Dap. But why shoul we are not all of your g Vin. But why shoul jests, your damned end and last year's sonnets, your gusto. Dap. The wine mak Vin. Thy rhymes m Ran. At repartee a know you would rather Dap. This Ranger, Mr. Vincent, is as false to his friend as his wench. Vin. You have no reason to say so, but because he is absent. Dap. 'Tis disobliging to tell a man of his faults to his face. If he had but your grave parts and manly wit, I should adore him; but, a pox! he is a mere buffoon, a jack-pudding, let me perish! Vin. You are an ungrateful fellow. I have heard him maintain you had wit, which was more than e'er you could do for yourself.-I thought you had owned him your Mæcenas. Dap. A pox! he cannot but esteem me, 'tis for his honour; but I cannot but be just for all thatwithout favour or affection. Yet I confess I love him so well, that I wish he had but the hundredth part of your courage. Vin. He has had the courage to save you from many a beating, to my knowledge. Dap. Come, come, I wish the man well, and, next to you, better than any man; and, I am sorry to say it, he has not courage to snuff a candle with his fingers. When he is drunk, indeed, he dares get a clap, or so-and swear at a constable. Vin. Detracting fop! when did you see him desert his friend? Dap. You have a rough kind of a raillery, Mr. Vincent; but since you will have it, (though I love the man heartily, I say,) he deserted me once in breaking of windows, for fear of the constables Re-enter RANGER. But you need not take notice to him of what I tell you; I hate to put a man to the blush. Ran. I have had just now a visit from my mistress, who is as jealous of me as a wife of her husband when she lies in :-my cousin Lydia,-you have heard me speak of her. Vin. But she is more troublesome than a wife that lies in, because she follows you to your haunts. Why do you allow her that privilege before her time? Ran. Faith, I may allow her any privilege, and be too hard for her yet. How do you think I have cheated her to-night?-Women are poor credulous creatures, easily deceived. Vin. We are poor credulous creatures, when we think 'em so. Ran. Intending a ramble to St. James's Park to-night, upon some probable hopes of some fresh game I have in chase, I appointed her to stay at home; with a promise to come to her within this hour, that she might not spoil the scent and prevent my sport. Vin. She'll be even with you when you are married, I warrant you. In the mean time here's her health, Dapperwit. Ran. Now had he rather be at the window, writing her anagram in the glass with his diamond, or biting his nails in the corner for a fine thought to come and divert us with at the table. Dap. No, a pox! I have no wit to-night. I am as barren and hide-bound as one of your damned scribbling poets, who are sots in company for all their wit; as a miser is poor for all his money. How do you like the thought? Vin. Drink, drink! Dap. Well, I can drink this, because I shall be reprieved presently. Vin: Who will be so civil to us? Dap. Sir Simon Addleplot :-I have bespoke him a supper here, for he treats to-night a new rich mistress. Ran. That spark, who has his fruitless designs upon the bed-ridden rich widow, down to the sucking heiress in her pissing-clout. He was once the sport, but now the public grievance, of all the fortunes in town; for he watches them like a younger brother that is afraid to be mumped of his snip, and they cannot steal a marriage, nor stay their stomachs, but he must know it. Dap. He has now pitched his nets for Gripe's daughter, the rich scrivener, and serves him as a clerk to get admission to her; which the watchful fop her father denies to all others. Ran. I thought you had been nibbling at her once, under pretence of love to her aunt. Dap. I confess I have the same design yet, and Addleplot is but my agent whilst he thinks me his. He brings me letters constantly from her, and carries mine back. Vin. Still betraying your best friends! Dap. I cannot in honour but betray him. Let me perish! the poor young wench is taken with my person, and would scratch through four walls to come to me. Vin. 'Tis a sign she is kept up close indeed. Dap. Betray him! I'll not be traitor to love for any man. Enter Sir SIMON ADDLEPLOT with the Waiter. Sir Sim. Know 'em! you are a saucy Jack-straw to question me, faith and troth; I know everybody, and everybody knows me. All. Sir Simon! Sir Simon! Sir Simon! Ran. And you are a welcome man to everybody. Sir Sim. Now, son of a whore, do I know the gentlemen ?-A dog! would have had a shilling of me before he would let me come to you! Ran. The rogue has been bred at court, sure.Get you out, sirrah. [Exit Waiter. Sir Sim. He has been bred at a French-house, where they are more unreasonable. Vin. Here's to you, sir Simon. Sir Sim. I cannot drink, for I have a mistress within; though I would not have the people of the house to know it. Ran. You need not be ashamed of your mis. tresses, for they are commonly rich. Sir Sim. And because she is rich, I would conceal her; for I never had a rich mistress yet, but one or other got her from me presently, faith and troth. Ran. But this is an ill place to conceal a mistress in; every waiter is an intelligencer to your rivals. Sir Sim. I have a trick for that:-I'll let no waiters come into the room; I'll lay the cloth myself rather. Ran. But who is your mistress? Sir Sim. Your servant,-your servant, Mr. Ranger. Vin. Come, will you pledge me? Sir Sim. No, I'll spare your wine, if you will spare me Dapperwit's company; I came for that. Vin. You do us a double favour, to take him and leave the wine. Sir Sim. Come, come, Dapperwit. Ran. Do not go, unless he will suffer us to see his mistress too. [Aside to DAPPERWIT. Sir Sim. Come, come, man. Dap. Would you have me so uncivil as to leave my company?-they'll take it ill. Sir Sim. I cannot find her talk without thee.Pray, gentlemen, persuade Mr. Dapperwit to go with me. Ran. We will not hinder him of better company. Dap. Yours is too good to be left rudely. Sir Sim. Nay, gentlemen, I would desire your company too, if you knew the lady. Dap. They know her as well as I; you say I know her not. Sir Sim. You are not everybody. Ran. Perhaps we do know the lady, sir Simon. Sir Sim. You do not, you do not: none of you ever saw her in your lives ;-but if you could be secret, and civil Ran. We have drunk yet but our bottle a-piece. Sir Sim. But will you be civil, Mr. Vincent? Ran. He dares not look a woman in the face under three bottles. Sir Sim. Come along then. But can you be civil, gentlemen? will yo pray be civil if you can, a [Exit, and returns with Mrs. JOYNER. Dap. How, has he got Ran. The widow Flipp Vin. Is this the woman Flip. Does he bring Dapperwit one! Though I thought to have reserve ladies. Sir Sim. Nay, look as you will find them civil g pany. Flip. I am not in do yours. Joyn. You'll never leav Did you not promise to u Flip. [Aside to JOYNI We wanted no good com as we had yours. Sir Sim. But they wan fore I forced 'em to acce Flip. They will not they were forced into, ce Sir Sim. A pox! I m fashion, though I never Mrs. Joyner, help me off Joyn. I suppose, mad men wanted not inclinati confidence to desire so g he forced 'em. Dap. What makes th tress, you bawds should though at first you make play begins, you should Joyn. Well, well, gibi have the pimps kept in V'in. What, they are Ran. Pimp and baw doctor and apothecary. Sir Sim. Try, madan tlemen talk with 'em, no waiter comes here.to tell me, I should avo before my mistress, be love as well as prudence Flip. Methinks you Mr. Dapperwit. I hop because you find me pas fool-he is not a man Dap. You are not a Fip. No, certainly.you were jealous then? Dap. If I had met with a drunken foot-sol jealous of you. Flip. Fy, fy! now for people always, whe rude:-but I can pardo love certainly. Dap. I am out of a eternal old acquaintan thinks herself praised plain English, she thin Flip. Sweet Mr. Da rious, (I speak for yo jealousy is a torment, fer certainly. |