His Mother-in-Law HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW He stood on his head by the wild seashore, In all his emotions, as never before, A wildly hilarious grig. And why? In that ship just crossing the bay For a tropical country far away, Where tigers and fever prevailed. Oh, now he might hope for a peaceful life Though owning no end of neuralgic wife, He had borne the old lady through thick and thin, And now as he looked at the ship she was in He watched as the good ship cut the sea, And thought if already she qualmish might be, He watched till beneath the horizon's edge He watched till the vessel became a speck Walter Parke. 75 ON A DEAF HOUSEKEEPER Of all life's plagues I recommend to no man I've got one who my orders does not hear, And what she brought me was a huge fat gammon. Unknown. HOMEOPATHIC SOUP TAKE a robin's leg (Mind, the drumstick merely); Put it in a tub Filled with water nearly; Set it out of doors, In a place that's shady; Which may be made of tin Fill the kettle up, For the thickening one rice kernel, Some Little Bug And use to light the fire Half an hour, no longer, (If 'tis for a man Of course you'll make it stronger). Should you now desire That the soup be flavoury, Stir it once around, Then three times a day If he chance to live, Unknown. SOME LITTLE BUG IN these days of indigestion It is oftentimes a question. As to what to eat and what to leave alone; For each microbe and bacillus Has a different way to kill us, And in time they always claim us for their own. There are germs of every kind In any food that you can find In the market or upon the bill of fare. Drinking water's just as risky As the so-called deadly whiskey, And it's often a mistake to breathe the air. Some little bug is going to find you some day, Some little bug is going to find you some day. The inviting green cucumber Gets most everybody's number, While the green corn has a system of its own; Though a radish seems nutritious Its behaviour is quite vicious, And a doctor will be coming to your home. Eating lobster cooked or plain Is only flirting with ptomaine, While an oyster sometimes has a lot to say, But the clams we cat in chowder Make the angels chant the louder, For they know that we'll be with them right away. Take a slice of nice fried onion And you're fit for Dr. Munyon, Apple dumplings kill you quicker than a train. Chew a cheesy midnight "rabbit" And a grave you'll soon inhabit— Ah, to eat at all is such a foolish game. Eating huckleberry pie Is a pleasing way to die, While sauerkraut brings on softening of the brain. When you eat banana fritters Every undertaker titters, And the casket makers nearly go insane. Some little bug is going to find you some day, Some little bug will creep behind you some day, He'll give cirrhosis of the liver; Some little bug is going to find you some day. When cold storage vaults I visit I can only say what is it Makes poor mortals fill their systems with such stuff? Now, for breakfast, prunes are dandy If a stomach pump is handy And your doctor can be found quite soon enough. Eat a plate of fine pigs' knuckles And the headstone cutter chuckles, On the Downtown Side of an Uptown Street 79 While the grave digger makes a note upon his cuff. Eat that lovely red bologna And you'll wear a wooden kimona, As your relatives start scrappin 'bout your stuff. Some little bug is going to find you some day, Makes the sexton dust the chapel; Some little bug is going to find you some day. All those crazy foods they mix Will float us 'cross the River Styx, Or they'll start us climbing up the milky way. Mean a hearse and two black horses So before a meal some people always pray. And the juice leads to gastritis, So there's only death to greet us either way; Friends will soon ride slow behind you And the papers then will have nice things to say. Some little bug is going to find you some day, On your breast they'll place a lily; Some little bug is going to find you some day. Roy Atwell. ON THE DOWNTOWN SIDE OF AN On the downtown side of an uptown street And she's on the downtown, On the downtown side of an uptown street. |