he could muster up. However, while he was abroad one day upon his projects, the two youngsters watched their opportunity, made a shift to come at the will, and took a copia vera,* by which they presently saw how grossly they had been abused, their father having left them equal heirs, and strictly commanded that whatever they got should lie in common among them all. Pursuant to which, their next enterprise was to break open the cellar door, and get a little good drink to spirit and comfort their hearts.† In copying the will they had met another precept against divorce and separate maintenance, and other evil practices of their brother Peter, upon which their next work was to discard their concubines and send for their wives. † Whilst all this was in agitation there enters a solicitor from Newgate, desiring Lord Peter would please to procure pardon for a thief that was to be hanged tomorrow. But the two brothers told him he was a coxcomb to seek pardons from a fellow who deserved to be hanged much better than his client; and discovered all the method of that imposture in the same form I delivered it a while ago, advising the solicitor to put his friend upon obtaining a pardon from the king. In the midst of all this clutter and revolution in comes Peter with a file of dragoons at his heels; and gathering from all hands what was in the wind, * Translated the Scriptures into the vulgar tongue. he and his gang, after several millions of scurrilities and curses, not very important here to repeat, by main force very fairly kick them both out of doors, and would never let them come under his roof from that day to this. SECTION V. A DIGRESSION IN THE MODERN KIND. HE, whom the world is pleased to honour with the title of modern authors, should never have been able to compass our great design of an everlasting remembrance, and never-dying fame, if our endeavours had not been so highly serviceable to the general good of mankind. This, O Universe! is the adventurous attempt of me thy secretary; Quemvis preferre laborem Suadet, et inducit noctes vigilare serenas. To this end, I have some time since, with a world of pains and art, dissected the carcass of human nature, and read many useful lectures upon the several parts both containing and contained, till at last it smelled so strong I could preserve it no longer. Upon which I have been at a great expense to fit up all the bones with exact contexture, and in due symmetry, so that I am ready to show a very complete U anatomy thereof to all curious "gentlemen and others." But not to digress further in the midst of a digression, as I have known some authors enclose digressions in one another, like a nest of boxes, I do affirm, that having carefully cut up human nature, I have found a very strange, new, and important discovery-that the public good of mankind is performed by two ways, instruction and diversion. And I have further proved in my said several readings (which perhaps the world may one day see, if I can prevail on any friend to steal a copy, or on any certain gentlemen of my admirers to be very importunate), that as mankind is now disposed, he receives much greater advantage by being diverted than instructed, his epidemical diseases being fastidiousness, amorphy, and oscitation; whereas in the present universal empire of wit and learning, there seems but little matter left for instruction. However, in compliance with a lesson of great age and authority, I have attempted carrying the point in all its heights, and accordingly, throughout this divine treatise have skilfully kneaded up both together, with a layer of utile and a layer of dulce. When I consider how exceedingly our illustrious moderns have eclipsed the weak glimmering lights of the ancients, and turned them out of the road of all fashionable commerce, to a degree that our choice town-wits of most refined accomplishments are in grave dispute whether there have been ever any ancients or no,* in which point we are like to receive wonderful satisfaction from the most useful labours and lucubrations of that worthy modern, Dr. Bentley, -I say, when I consider all this, I cannot but bewail that no famous modern hath ever yet attempted an universal system, in a small portable volume, of all things that are to be known, or believed, or imagined, or practised in life. I am, however, forced to acknowledge that such an enterprise was thought on some time ago by a great philosopher of O. Brazil.† The method he proposed was by a certain curious receipt, a nostrum, which after his untimely death I found among his papers, and do here, out of my great affection for the modern learned, present them with it, not doubting it may one day encourage some worthy undertaker. "You take fair, correct copies, well-bound in calfskin, and lettered at the back, of all modern bodies of arts and science whatsoever, and in what language you please. These you distil in balneo Mariæ, infusing quintessence of poppy q. s., together with three pints of lethe, to be had from apothecaries. You cleanse away carefully the sordes and caput mortuum, * The learned person here meant hath been endeavouring to annihilate so many ancient writers, that until he is pleased to stop his hand, it will be dangerous to affirm whether there have been any ancients in the world. + This is an imaginary island, akin to that which is called Painter's wives island, placed in some unknown part of the ocean, merely at the fancy of the map-maker. |