and venison, and pheasant, and plum-pudding, and custard." When Peter came home, he would needs take the fancy of cooking up his doctrine into use, and apply the precept, in default of a sirloin, to his brown loaf. "Bread," says he, " dear brothers, is the staff of life: in which bread is contained, inclusive, the quintessence of beef, mutton, veal, venison, partridge, plum-pudding, and custard: and to render all complete, there is intermingled a due quantity of water, whose crudities are also corrected by yeast or barm, through which means it becomes a wholesome fermented liquor, diffused through the mass of the bread." Upon the strength of these conclusions, next day at dinner was the brown loaf served up in all the formality of a city feast. 'Come, brothers,” said Peter, "fall to, and spare not; here is excellent good mutton:* or hold, now my hand is in, I will help you." At which word, in much ceremony, with fork and knife he carves out two good slices of a loaf, and presents each on a plate to his brothers. The elder of the two, not suddenly entering into Lord Peter's conceit, began with very civil language to examine the mystery. "My lord," said he, “I doubt, with great submission, there may be some mistake." "What!" says Peter, "you are pleasant:

* Transubstantiation. Peter turns his bread into mutton, and, according to the Popish doctrine of concomitants, his wine too, which in his way he calls palming his crusts upon his brothers for mutton.-W. Wotton.

come then, let us hear this jest your head is so big with." "None in the world, my lord: but unless I am very much deceived, your lordship was pleased awhile ago to let fall a word about mutton, and I would be glad to see it with all my heart." "How!" said Peter, appearing in great surprise; "I do not comprehend this at all." Upon which, the younger interposing to set the business aright, "My lord," said he, "my brother, I suppose, is hungry, and longs for the mutton your lordship hath promised us for dinner." "Pray," said Peter, "take me along with you. Either you are both mad, or disposed to be merrier than I approve of. If you there do not like your piece, I will carve you another, though I should take that to be the choice bit of the whole shoulder." "What, then, my lord," replied the first, "it seems this is a shoulder of mutton all this while!" "Pray, sir," says Peter, "eat your victuals, and leave off your impertinence, if you please; for I am not disposed to relish it at present." But the other could not forbear, being over-provoked at the affected. seriousness of Peter's countenance. "By G-, my lord," said he, "I can only say, that to my eyes, and fingers, and teeth, and nose, it seems to be nothing but a crust of bread." Upon which the second put in his word: "I never saw a piece of mutton in my life so nearly resembling a slice from a twelve-penny loaf." "Look ye, gentlemen," cries Peter in a rage, "to convince you what a couple of blind, positive,

ignorant, wilful puppies you are, I will use but this plain argument: I assert it is true, good, natural mutton, as any in Leadenhall Market; and confound you both eternally if you offer to believe otherwise." Such a thundering proof as this left no further room for objection. The two unbelievers began to gather and pocket up their mistakes as hastily as they could. "Why, truly," said the first, "upon more mature consideration". Ay," says the other, interrupting him, "now I have thought better on the thing, your lordship seems to have a great deal of reason." "Very well," said Peter. "Here, boy, fill me a beer glass of claret. Here's to you both with all my heart." The two brethren, much delighted to see him so readily appeased, returned their most humble thanks, and said they would be glad to pledge his lordship. "That you shall," said Peter. “I am not a person to refuse you anything that is reasonable. Wine, moderately taken, is a cordial. Here is a glass a-piece for you; it is true natural juice from the grape, none of your vintner's brewings." Having spoken thus, he presented to each of them another large dry crust, bidding them drink it off, and not to be bashful, for it would do them no hurt. The two brothers, after having performed the usual office in such delicate conjunctures, of staring a sufficient period at Lord Peter and each other, and finding how matters were like to go, resolved not to enter on a new dispute, but let him carry the point

as he pleased: for he was now got into one of his mad fits, and to argue or expostulate further would only serve to render him a hundred times more untractable.

I have chosen to relate this worthy matter in all its circumstances, because it gave a principal occasion to that great and famous rupture* which happened about the same time among these brethren, and was never afterwards made up. But of that I shall treat at large in another section.

However, it is certain that Lord Peter, even in his lucid intervals, was very lewdly given in his common conversation, extremely wilful and positive, and would at any time rather argue to the death, than allow himself once to be in an error, Besides, he had an abominable faculty of telling huge palpable lies upon all occasions; and not only swearing to the truth, but cursing the whole company if they pretended to make the least scruple of believing him. One time he swore he had a cow at home which gave as much milk at a meal as would fill three thousand churches; and what was yet more extraordinary, would never turn sour. Another time he was telling of an old sign-post that belonged to his father, with nails and

* By this rupture is meant the Reformation.

+ The ridiculous multiplying of the Virgin Mary's milk among the Papists, under the allegory of a cow which gave as much milk at a meal as would fill three thousand churches.-W. Wotton.

By this sign-post is meant the cross of our blessed Saviour; and

timber enough in it to build sixteen large men-ofwar. Talking one day of Chinese waggons, which were made so light as to sail over mountains, "Zounds," said Peter, "where's the wonder of that? I swear I saw a large house of lime and stone travel over sea and land, granting that it stopped sometimes to bait, above two thousand German leagues." * And that which was the good of it, he would swear desperately all the while that he never told a lie in his life; and every word, "I swear, gentlemen, I tell you nothing but the truth; and may they broil eternally that will not believe me."

In short, Peter grew so scandalous, that all the neighbourhood began in plain words to say he was no better than a knave. And his two brothers, long weary of his ill usage, resolved at last to leave him; but first they humbly desired a copy of their father's will, which had now lain by neglected time out of mind. Instead of granting this request, he called them "rogues, traitors," and the rest of the vile names

if all the wood that is shown for parts of it was collected, the quantity would sufficiently justify this sarcasm.-Hawkes.

* The chapel of Loretto. He falls here only upon the ridiculous invention of Popery. The Church of Rome intended by these things to gull silly, superstitious people, and rook them out of their money. The world had been too long in slavery, but our ancestors gloriously redeemed us from that yoke. The Church of Rome therefore ought to be exposed, and he deserves well of mankind that does expose it.-W. Wotton.

Ibid. The chapel of Loretto, which travelled from the Holy Land to Italy.