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beauty, or mental accomplishment, weight, head cook and housekeeper to struck me forcibly as suitable coadjutors for a man-for a man like your humble servant."

"A most royal bow that, Mr. Tims. Well, proceed, if you please."

"Very good, sir,-well, then, to proceed. The first of these was Miss Diana Tonkin, a young lady, who kept her brother's snuff-shop, at the sign of the African astride the Tobacco Barrel-a rare beauty, who was on the most intimate talking terms with half a hundred young bloods and beaux, who looked in during lounging hours, being students of law, physic, and divinity, half-pay ensigns, and theatrical understrappers, to replenish their boxes with Lundyfoot, whiff a Havana cigar, or masticate pigtail. No wonder that she was spoiled by flattery, Miss Diana, for she was a bit of a beauty; and though she had but one eye-by Heavens, what an eye that was !"

"She must have been an irresistible creature, certainly, Mr. Tims,' said I. "Well, how did you come on ?"

Sir Anthony Macturk, a Scotch baronet, who rusticated in the vicinity of town. I made her a few evening visits, and we talked love affairs over muffins and a cup of excellent congou. Then what a variety of jams and jellies! I never returned without a disordered stomach, and wishing Highland heather-honey at the devil. Yet, after all, to prove a hoax !—for even when I was on the point of popping the question, and had fastened my silk Jem Belcher with a knowing leetle knot to set out for that purpose, I learned from Francie, the stable-boy, that she had the evening before eloped with the coachman, and returned to her post that forenoon metamorphosed into Madam Trot.

"I first thought, sir, of hanging myself over the first lamp-post; but, after a leetle consideration, I determined to confound Madam Trot, and all other fickle fair ones, by that very night marrying Miss Diana. I hastened on, rushed precipitately into the shop, and on the subject—and hear, oh Heaven, and believe, oh earth! was met not by a plump denial, but was shown the door."

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man. I wonder you recovered after such mighty reverses? but I hope—

"Irresistible! but you shall hear, sir. I foresaw that, in soliciting the honor of this fair damsel's hand, I Upon my word, Mr. Tims," said should have much opposition to en- I, "you have been a most unfortunate counter from the rivalry of the three learned professions, to say nothing of the gentlemen of the sword and of the buskin; but, thinks I to myself, 'faint heart never won fair lady,' so I at once set up a snuff-box, looked as tip-topping as possible, and commenced canvassing.

"The second elite (for I know a leetle French, having for three months, during my apprenticeship, had the honor of frizzling the gead-gear of Count Witruvius de Caucauson, who occupied private state-lodgings at the sign of the Blue Boar in the Poultry, and who afterwards decamped without clearing scores)-the second elite, (for I make a point, sir, of having two strings to my bow,) was Mrs. Joan Sweetbread, a person of exquisite parts, but fiery temper, at that time aged thirty-three, twelve stone

"Hope! that is the word, sir, the very word, I still had hope; so, after ten days' horrible melancholy, in which I cropped not a few heads in a novel and unprecedented style, I at it again, and laid immediate and close siege to the last and loveliest of the trio-one by whom I was shot dead at first sight, and of whom it might be said, as I once heard Kean justly observe in a very pretty tragedy, and to a numerous audience,- We ne'er shall look upon her like again !'

"Capital, Mr. Tims. Well, how did you get on ?"

"A moment's patience, with your honor's leave.-Ah! truly might it be said of her, that she was descended from the high and great-her grandfather having been not only six feet

three, without the shoes, but for forty odd years principal bell-ringer in the steeple of St. Giles's, Cripplegate; and her grandmother, for long and long, not only head dry-nurse to one of the noblest families in all England, but bona fide twenty-two stone avoirdupois. As to this nonpareil of lovely flesh and blood, her name was Lucy Mainspring, the daughter of a horologer, sir, a watchmaker-vulgo so calledand though fattish, she was very fair -fair! by Jupiter, (craving your honor's pardon for swearing,) she fairly made me give all other thoughts the cut, and twisted the passions of my heart with the red-hot torturing irons of love. 'Pon honor, sir, I almost grow foolish, when I think of those days; but love, sir, nothing can resist love, a saying which Professor Heavystern once turned into Greek, as I was ribbanding his pigtail for a tea and turn-out. Homnia wincit Hamor,' said he; to which I observed, 'a very 'cute remark, your reverence.' But you shall hear, sir."

"I hope, Mr. Tims, you were in better luck with Miss Mainspring?"

"A leetle, a leetle patience, your honor, and all will be out as quick as directly-the twinkling of a bedpost: -For three successive nights I sat up in a brown study, with a four-in-thepound candle burning before me till almost cock-crow, composing a loveletter, a most elaborate affair, the pure overflowing of la belle passion, all about Wenus, Cupids, bows and arrows, hearts, darts, and them things, which, having copied neatly over on a handsome sheet of foolscap, turned up with gilt, (for, though I say it myself, I scribble a smart fist,) I made a blotch of red wax on the back as large as a dollar, that thereon I might the more indelibly impress a seal, with a couple of pigeons cooing upon it, and toujours wotre' for the motto. This I popped into the post-office, and awaited patiently-may I add confidently for the result.

"No answer having come as I expected per return, I began to smell that I was in the wrong box; so, on

the following evening, I had a polite visit from her respectable old father, Daniel Mainspring, who asked me what my intentions were?

To commence wig-maker on my own bottom,' answered I. "But with respect to my daughter, sir?'

Why, to be sure, to make her mistress, sir.'

"Mistress!' quoth he, 'did I hear you right, sir?'

"I hope you are not hard of hearing, Mr. Mainspring. I wish, sir-between us, sir-you understand, sirto marry her, sir.'

"Then you can't have her, sir.' "But I must, sir; for I can't do without her, sir.'

"Then you may buy a rope.' "Ah! you would not sign my death-warrant—wouldn't you not now, Mr. Mainspring?'

"Before going,' said he, rummaging his huge coat-pockets with both hands at once, there is your letter, which I read over patiently, instead of my daughter, who has never seen it; and I hope you will excuse the liberty I take of calling you a great fool, and wishing you a good morning.'

"Now, though a lad of mettle, you know, sir, it would not have been quite the thing to have called out my intended father-in-law; so, with amazing forbearance, bridling my passion, I allowed him to march off triumphantly, and stood, with the letter in my hand, looking down the alley after him, strutting along, staff in hand, like a recruiting sergeant, as if he had been a phoenix.

"A man of my penetration was not long in scenting out who was the formidable rival to whom Daddy Mainspring alluded. Sacre! to think the mercenary old hunks could dream of sacrificing my lovely Lucy to such a hobgoblin of a fellow as a superannuated dragoon quartermaster, with a beak like Bardolph's in the play. But I had some confidence in my own qualifications; and as I gave a sly glance down at my nether person, 'Dashthe-wig-of-him!' thought I to my

self, if he can sport a leg like that of Toby Tims.' I accordingly determined not to be discomfited, and took the earliest opportunity of presenting Miss Lucy, through a sure channel, with a passionate billet-doux, a patent pair of gilt bracelets, and a box of Ruspini's tooth-powder. By St. Patrick and all the powers, it was shocking to suppose that such an angel as the cherrycheeked Lucy should be stolen from me by such an apology for a gallant, as Quartermaster Bottlenose of the Tipperary Rangers. 'Twas murder, by Jupiter."

"I perfectly agree with you, Mr. Tims. Did you challenge him to the duello ?"

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"A leetle patience, if you please, sir, and you shall hear all. During the violence of my love-fits, I committed a variety of professional mistakes. I sent at one time a pot of bear's grease away by the mail, in a wig-box, to a member of parliament in Yorkshire; and burned a whole batch of baked hair to ashes, while singing Moore's When he who adores thee,' in attitude, before a block, dressed up for the occasion with a fashionable wig upon it-to say nothing of my having, in a fit of abstraction, given a beautiful young lady, who was going that same evening to a Lord Mayor's ball, the complete charity-workhouse cut, leaving her scalp as bare as the back of my hand. But cheer up!to my happy astonishment, sir, matters worked like a charm. What a parley-vooing and billet-dooing passed between us! We would have required a porter for the sole purpose. Then we had stolen interviews of two hours' duration each, for several successive nights, at the old horologer's back-door, during which, besides a multiplicity of small-talk-thanks to his deafness-I tried my utmost to entrap her affections, by reciting sonnets, and spouting bits of plays in the manner of the tragedy performers. These were the happy times, sir! The world was changed for me. Paddington canal seemed the river Pactolus, and Rag-Fair Elysium!

"The old boy, however, ignorant of our orgies, was still bothering his brains to bring about matrimony between his daughter and the veteranwho, though no younger than Methusalem, as stiff as the Monument, and as withered as Belzoni's Piccadilly mummy, had yet the needful, sirhad abundance of the wherewithalcrops of yellow shiners-lots of the real-sported a gig, and kept on board wages a young shaver of all work, with a buff jacket, turned up with sky-blue facings. Only think, sironly ponder for a moment what a formidable rival I had !”

"I hope you beat him off, however,” said I. The greater danger the more honor you know, Mr. Tims."

"Of that anon, sir.-Lucy, on her part, angelic creature, professed that she could not dream of being undutiful towards kind old Pa; and that, unless desperate measures were resorted to, quamprimum, in the twinkling of a bed-post she would be under the disagreeable necessity to go with the disabled man of war to the temple of Hymen. Sacrilegious thought! I could not permit it to enter my bosom, and (pardon me for a moment, sir) when I looked down, and caught a glance of my own natty-looking, tight little leg, and dapper Hessians, I recommended her strongly to act on the principle of the Drury-lane play-bill, which says, All for Love, or the World well lost.'

"Well, sir, hark ye, just to show how things come about; shortly after this, on the anniversary of my honored old master, Zechariah Pigtail's birth, when we were allowed to strike work at noon, I determined, as a dernier resort, as a clincher, sir, to act the genteel, and invite Miss Lucy, in her furs and falderals, to accompany me to the exhibition of Pictures. Heavens, sir, how I dressed on that day! The Day and Martin of my boots reflected on the shady side of the street. I took half an hour in tying and retying my neckcloth en mode. My handkerchief smelt of lavender, and my hair of oil of thyme

my waistcoat of bergamot, and my handed you down to the bottom of inexpressibles of musk. I was a per- five-and-twenty couple at a countryfect civet for perfumery. My coat, dance, to the tune of Sir Roger de cut in the jemmy fashion, I buttoned Coverley, Morgiana in Ireland, Peto suffocation; but 'pon honor, believe tronella, or the Triumph; and, notme, sir, no stays, and my shirt neck withstanding our having sucked a had been starched per order, to the couple of oranges a-piece, we are both consistence of tin. In short, to be quite in a broth of perspiration. Very brief, I found, or fancied myself kill- good-so says I to you, making a gening-a most irresistible fellow. teel bow, 'Do you please to walk aside, and cool yourself in them there green arbors, and I will be with you as quick as directly, with a glass of lemonade or cherry brandy?' So says you to me, dropping a curtsey a la mode, With ineffable pleasure, sir;' and away you trip into the shade like a sunbeam.

"I did not dare, however, to call for Miss Lucy at old Pa's, but waited for her at the corner of the street, patiently drumming on my boot, with a knowing little bit of bamboo; and projecting my left arm to her, off we marched in triumph.

"The Exhibition Rooms were crowded with the ton; and to be sure a great many fine things were there. Would you had seen them, sir. There were Admirals in blue, and Generals in red-portraits of my Lord this, and my Lady that-land scenes, and sea scenes, and hunting scenes, with ships, and woods, and old castles, all amazingly like life. In short, sir, Providence seems to have guided us to the spot, where we saw a picture-the picture, sir-the pattern copy of that there picture, sir,—and Heavens ! such a piece of work-but of that anon-it did the business, sir. No sooner had I perused it through my quizzing glass, which, I confess, that I had brought with me more for ornament than use -having eyes like a hawk,-than I pathetically exclaimed to Lucy-Behold, my love, the history of our fates!' Lucy said, 'Tuts, Toby Tims,' and gave a giggle; but I went on in solemn gravity, before a circle of seemingly electrified spectators.

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'Spose now, Miss Lucy,' said I, holding her by the finger of her Limerick glove; 'spose now, that I had invited you to take an outside seat on the Hampstead Flying Phoenix with me, to go out to a rural junketing, on May-day in the afternoon. Very well-there we find ourselves alive and kicking, forty couple footing it on the green, and choosing, according to our tastes, reels, jigs, minuets, or bumpkins. 'Spose then, that I have

"Now, Lucy, my love, take a good look of that picture. That is you, 'spose, seated on the turf, a leetle behind the pillar dedicated to Apollar; and you, blooming like a daffodilly in April, are waiting with great thirst, and not a little impatience for my promised appearance, from the sign of the Hen and Chickens, with the cordials, and a few biscuits on a salver— when lo! an old bald-pated, oily-faced, red-nosed Cameronian ranter, whom by your elegant negligee capering, you have fairly danced out of his dotard senses, comes pawing up to you like Polito's polar bear, drops on his knees, and before you can avert your nose from a love-speech, embalmed in the fumes of tobacco and purl, the hoary villain has beslobbered your lily-white fingers, and is protesting unalterable affection, at the rate of twelve miles an hour, inclusive of stoppages. Now, Lucy, love, did you ever,-say upon your honor, did you ever witness such a spectacle of humanity? me now ?-Behold, that very little lap-dog in the corner is so mortally sick, that, were he not upon canvass, there would be nothing for it but vomiting.

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Very well. Now, love, take a peep down the avenue, and yon is me, yon tight, handsome little figure, with the Spanish cap and cloak, attended by a trusty servant in the same costume, to whom I am pointing where he is

to bring the cherry-brandy; when, lo! we perceive the hideous apparition!-and straightway rushing forward, like two tigers on a jackass, we seize the wigless dotard; and, calling for a blanket, the whole respectable company of forty couples and upwards, come crowding to the spot, and lend a willing hand in rotation, four by four, in tossing Malachi, the last of the lovers, till the breath of life is scarcely left in his vile body.

"Now, Lucy,' says I, in conclusion, don't you see the confounded absurdity of ever wasting a thought on a broken-down, bandy-legged, beggarly dragoon? Just look at him, with an old taffeta whigmaleerie tied to his back, like Paddy from Cork, with his coat buttoned behind! Isn't he a pretty figure, now, to go a-courting? You would never forsake the like of me--would you now? A spruce, natty little body of a creature-to be the trollop of a spindle-shanked veteran, who, besides having one foot in the grave, and a nose fit for three, might be your great-grandfather?'

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"It was a sight, sir, that would have melted the heart of a wheel-barrow. Before the whole assembled exhibition room, Lucy first looked blue, and then blushed consent. Toby,' said she, don't mention it, Toby, dear, I am thine for ever and a day!' Angelic sounds, which at once sent Bottlenose to Coventry. His chance was now weak indeed, quite like Grantham gruel, three groats to a gallon of water. In an ecstacy of passion, sir, I threw my silk handkerchief on the floor, and, kneeling on it with one knee, I raised her gloveless fingers to my lips!

"The whole company clapped their hands, and laughed so heartily in sympathy with my good luck! Oh! sir, had you but seen it—what a sight for sore eyes that was !"

"Then you would indeed be the happy man at last, Mr. Tims," said I. "Did you elope on the instant ?"

"Just done, please your honor.Next morning, according to special agreement, we eloped in a gig; and,

writing a penitent letter from the Valentine and Orson at Chelsea, Daddy Mainspring found himself glad to come to terms. Thrice were the banns published; and such a marriage as we had! 'Pon honor, sir, I would you had been present. It was a thing to be remembered till the end of one's life. A deputation of the honorable the corporation of barbers duly attended, puffed out in full fig; and even the old Quartermaster, pocketing his disappointment, was, at his own special petition, a forgiven and favored guest. Seldom has such dancing been seen within the bounds of London; and, with two fiddles, a tambourin, and a clarionet, we made all the roofs ring, till an early hour next morning-and that we did.”

"You are a lucky fellow, Mr. Tims,” said I.

"And more than that, sir. When old Mainspring kicks, we are to have the counting of his mouldy coppers— so we have the devil's luck and our own; and as for false curls, braids, bandeaux, Macassar oil, cold cream, bear's grease, tooth-powder, and Dutch toys, show me within the walls of the City a more respectable, tip-topping perfumery depot and wig-warehouse, than that wherein you now sit, and of which I, Tobias Tims, am, with due respect, the honored master, and your humble servant!

"I hope, sir, in explanation of that there pretty picture, I have now given you a full, true, and particular account of this most important scene of my life to the letter. Perhaps, sir, you may think it rather a plain, unvarnished tale; but true and simple though it be, it may prove a leetle useful to those, whose fingers itch to mount "proud Ambition's ladder.” Perhaps few can crop hair, or cut their cards with my dexterity; and I trust I have shown, sir, to your entire satisfaction, that an inexperienced barber's boy succeeded in out-manceuvring an ancient officer of the line; and, as I have a beard to be shaved,

"Twas thus I won sweet Lucy's hand, My bold and beauteous bride.""

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